An Augustine Special

In todays Brewers Live pregame show, Jerry Augustine announced that today the Brewers don't need a quality start from Braden Looper; the Brewers need a "special start". I was in the midst of preparing a fine and affordable Usinger's bratwurst for dinner (you better believe I'll sell out), so I may have been in a state of ecstacy and imagined his description, but it seemed as if he made the implication that a special start would be: a complete game shutout, a perfect game, or at the very least, 8 scoreless innings.

Where the fuck does Augustine get off thinking that this is even remotely a realistic expectation for Braden Looper? In twelve major league seasons, Braden Looper has:

1 complete game

0 perfect games

1 career game pitching more than 7 complete innings

Who would ever think that the Brewers should expect such an outing from such a mediocre pitcher? Of course it would be nice, but why not give us all some real analysis here instead of telling us about your fantasyland bullshit?

I can't wait for tomorrow's pregame, in which Jerry Augustine will announce that our starting pitcher should transform (I would really advise you to look into the possibility of sellling out) into Tim Lincecum or Dan Haren for a night instead of the average pitcher that they truly are.

Craig Counsell Fact or Fiction

Every week until I run out of ideas, I will be posting a brief fact about internet vixen/Brewers shortstop Craig Counsell(only click if you are over the age of 18) . The facts will range from personal to statistical, and if I am bored, may very well reach the realms of hypothetical. I will also be posting a complete fallacy about Craig Counsell and leave it up to you, the reader, to determine which is true and which is false. The first reader to correctly respond to me will win a scratch off game card signed by the Just a Bit Outside staff. Here we go:

In the three games in which Craig Counsell has hit a home run, the Brewers record is 2-1.

In the offseason, Craig Counsell spends his free time relaxing, vacationing, and killing drifters just to see if he can get away with it.

I hope that, upon discovering the correct answer, this week's fact will change the way you think about life, the world around you, the Panama Canal, and Craig Counsell.

Creed Bratton Moments of Glory Award

Hey there again. I'm using this blog as therapy again due to the Brewers incredible inability to play baseball under God's shimmering sunlight. It's so fucking annoying.

Anyway, I'm here today to present the Creed Branton Award for the Brewer who uses his time in the spotlight most efficiently. The Award naming committee would like to recognize Pawan Barot for honorary mention in this category dedication.

Creed Bratton Moments of Glory Award
Winner: Mike Rivera
Last Place: Jody Gerut

Surprisingly, Mike Rivera is still a Brewer. Lest we forget, he has started 14 games this season. His moments in the field are both brief and exciting. Apparently, Mike Rivera does not know how to catch a ball or something because Jason Kendall gets WAY more playing time the Creed Award Winner. I keep hearing how wonderfully Kendall "handles" pitchers. Really? The team ERA (with Kendall catching 76 of the 88 games) is 4.54. Kendall might get the edge over Rivera with OBP (.323 vs. .296 respectively)...but only slightly. Also, noted baseball philosopher Jatt Marosz deems Kendall as 2nd "Most Clutch" on the Brewers. Otherwise, I don't know why Ken doesn't throw Rivera out there for a few more times per week. Given last year's .377 BA and .812 OPS, I thought we would see more of Mike Rivera. Nope. Regardless, this post is a celebration of Mike Rivera's use of camera time.

Creed Bratton's life is shrouded in mystery and that's the way we like it. Too much Creed and fans might be turned off by his horniess, age and lack of residence. He's the ultimate showman. In the spirit of George Costanza and Mr. Bratton, Mike Rivera is wonderful in the spotlight with a much more threatening bat compared to Kendall...and then he leaves us. Masterful work Mike. Enjoy the spoils of your performance, or lack thereof.

At the other end of the spectrum, Jody Gerut makes the worst of every opportunity he is granted. He fails to show any signs of a major league bat. It's sad. Even if we didn't trade my favorite non-Brewer, major leaguer not named Junior Griffey for Jody, I would accost him in a similar way.

For those scoring at home, the Brewers have closed the gap to 7-4 in the Bottom of the 8th. Miraculously, the Crew scored 4 runs since this post began. What a fucking tease.

Love,
Chuckie

Say It Ain't So

With games nearly every day, and reporters in their face before and after nearly all of them, the potential for a baseball player to say something completely absurd, foolish, and laughable is enormous. With that said, I usually overlook most of the borderline quotes, especially given the disgustingly low education level of major league baseball players.

Even so, every now and then someone says something so ridiculous and inane that one can't but help to comment on it. And once again, over the course of a long season, the amount of these quotes are sure to be staggering. As true as this may be, our dear Bill Hall has eliminated any other quotes from contention with one simple sentence. This hilarious quote from Bill Hall stands alone as the most hilarious quote of, not only the season thus far, but perhaps my entire existence as a literate human being. I know, I've built this up so much that whatever follows cannot possibly live up to your expectations, right? Wrong. The quote in question?

"I STILL CONSIDER MYSELF THE BEST THIRD BASEMEN IN THE LEAGUE"

Holy fuck everyone, Bill Hall has gone batshit crazy. This statement has my mind spinning so much I am actually getting dizzy. First of all, when did anyone ever consider Bill Hall to be the best third basemen in the league? Is he under the impression that he, Bill Hall, is the sole third basemen in the league?Does he live in some sort of parallel universe where Evan Longoria, Alex Rodriguez, David Wright, and anyone else who is actually good at third base do not exist?

It's actually ironic that Bill Hall considers himself to be the best third basemen in the league, because I consider him to be the fucking worst. Even in 2006, when he hit 35 home runs, he was still not the best third basemen in the game. And since his talent has continually regressed since that anomaly of a year, how the hell does he figure he has improved his ranking among third basemen? Some of what follows will be slightly redundant, as I briefly touched on Bill Hall in a previous post,but I'll try my best to keep it fresh.

Games Played: 65

Apparently, 65 times this year we decided to make it easier for the other team to win. Probably an idea courtesy of the charitable Jeff Suppan.

OBP: .265/League Average: .338

Yep, you read that one right. Bill Hall makes an out, and hurts the chances that the Brewers have to win, 73.5% of the time he is at bat. THE. BEST. IN. THE. LEAGUE.

OPS: .595/League Average: .757

THE BEST OF ALL TIME????

OPS+: 57

Second worst on the team, right behind Jody Gerut. When Jason Kendall is considered a better offensive weapon than you, as he is in the case of OPS+, you should consider yourself lucky to have a job before you consider yourself great.

Offensive Winning Percentage: .225

In layman's terms, paraphrased from Baseball Prospectus, is the percentage of games that a team could expect to win if the output of a given player were replicated by all 9 players. The rate for a standard, run of the mill replacement player was set by Bill James at .350, which means that over a 162 game season, a team of replacement players could expect to win 56 games. The Bill Hall Living Legends Roadshow, however, would only win 36 games. A TEAM OF BILL HALLS WOULD LOSE TWENTY MORE GAMES THAN A TEAM COMPRISED OF MERELY AVERAGE PLAYERS!!!!

Positional MLV: -13.1

Described verbatim from BP as "runs contributed by a batter beyond what an average player at the same position would produce in a team of otherwise league-average batters". In a team of average batters, Bill Hall costs the team 13 runs. Outstanding.

There is not a single fucking statistic that justifies the title of "League Average Third Basemen", much less "Best Third Basemen in the Game". In fact, every time Bill Hall appears in the game for the Brewers, he dramatically impinges their chances of winning. Congratulations Bill Hall, you are not only unproductive, but an idiot as well.

Home Improvement

I know, the award a day plan hasn't exactly gone smoothly. I was travelling to Canada to promote "A Night in Nova Scotia With Stephen Harper", my latest adult graphic novel. Thanks to the masses who came out to support me, and thanks to Prime Minister Harper for dropping the lawsuit.

Now that that's out of the way, we can get back to work. Which is fitting, since the award for today is not one that anyone wants to win, as we're going to figure out who needs to improve the most in the second half in order for the Brewers to contend for the playoffs. We've got a crowded field, as the past few weeks have demonstrated that the Brewers are a team with many flaws. Our contenders for the crown are: bench production, starting pitching, and relief. Here is the case for all of them:

Starting and Relief Pitching

Yovanni Gallardo has been the sole bright spot in the starting rotation, and has pitched much, much better than his 8-7 record suggests (more on this later). For the most part, the starting pitching has been unspectacular, unreliable, and inconsistent. From one start to the next, who knows what we should expect from the motley crew made up of Jeff Suppan, Braden Looper, Manny Parra, Dave Bush, with cameos from Mike Burns and Seth McClung. While the bullpen has had their moments, as a whole I think they've been really good. When they do falter, I feel it's moreso due to being overworked, a direct result of the underwhelming performances by the starting pitchers. So while we could always use improvement, the bullpen is probably good enough to get us where we need to be. Here are the numbers for the entire staff, compared with the league average numbers:

Home Runs Allowed: 114 (League Average: 86)

Walks: 319 (League Average:315)

Strikeouts: 615 (League Average:606)

ERA+: 93, Third Worst in the Majors! (League Average: 101)

WHIP: 1.399 (League Average: 1.385)

Bench Production

The achilles heel for this team has, for the entirety of the year, been the lack of bench production. This ragtag bunch began with Chris Duffy, Brad Nelson, Casey Mcgehee, Craig Counsell, and Mike Rivera (who I barely count, and thus will not speak of very much). Injuries and a lack of production from Bill Hall have led to me consistent playing time for Mcgeehee and Counsell, while a lack of production cost Duffy and Nelson their roster spots.

The replacements for Duffy and Nelson, Frank Catalontto and Jody Gerut have arrived, Mat Gamel has been promoted, and Bill Hall has been relegated to bench duty. Rather than looking at the bench as a whole, because there are a few bright spots, I will focus on our most egregiously bad performers.

Brad Nelson: 23 plate appearances, 0 hits, 2 walks, .000 Batting Average, .087 OBP and OPS, -74 OPS+, -5.1 VORP

Chris Duffy: 37 plate appearances, 4 hits, 4 walks, .222 OBP, .378 OPS, 3 OPS+, -4.3 VORP

Jody Gerut: 43 plate appearances, 4 hits, 3 walks, .163 OBP, .265 OPS, -27 OPS+, -6.8 VORP

Bill Hall (more on him later): 208 plate appearances, .260 OBP, .595 OPS, 57 OPS+, -7.2 VORP

These guys, all of whom possess negative VORP numbers, cripple our chances of competing every single time they appear in the game.

One move that has worked out, to some extent, is the acquisition of Frank Catalanotto, so I feel it's only right to acknowledge his performance:

Catalanotto: 52 plate appearances, .327 OBP, .731 OPS, 93 OPS+

The bottom line is that we've tried time and time again to repair the effectiveness of our bench, to no avail. It is undoubtably the area where we need the most help. The inconvenient truth, however, is that if we truly want to emerge as a contender, we need to solidify every aspect of the ballclub. And maybe stop playing people who are worse than a replacement player.

The 'Cable Guy' Pleasently Surprised Award

Greetings. We're working ourselves to exhaustion over here at JABO headquarters. Hope you're all impressed and mildly entertained. You make it all possible.

The Cable Guy Pleasant Surprise Award
Winner: Todd Coffey
Runner-Up: Craig Counsell

This was a close one. Day 2's Award has been dedicated to one of Jim Carrey's less heralded roles, the 1996 comedy The Cable Guy. This maligned film has suffered numerous pop-culture onslaughts (see Planet Springfield Visit), but in a vacuum, The Cable Guy is pretty funny and a solid little comedy. Similarly, Todd Coffey is putting together a nice little season and puts on a comedy show every time he appears in a game. This type of performance proves once again why Doug Melvin shan't be questioned in public. Coffey was claimed off waivers by the Brewers last September after the Reds dumped him and his 6.00 ERA. Miraculously, he proved invaluable to the Brewers down the stretch and into the playoffs. And surprisingly, he's come up big in tough situations this season too.

When we look back at Jim Carrey's career, most will look past the comedy pairings of Carrey and Matthew Broderick. And when we look back at 2009, hopefully Todd Coffey is not the highlight. Us dreamers would like to think other feats of strength will carry the Brewers into October baseball. And for that reason, Todd Coffey wins Day 2's Pleasantly Surprised Award. He is also the winner on account of his pleasantly surprising age: 28. Congrats sir.

Chuckie O

BONUS!!!
JABO Trivia: Out of the last 10 Home Run Derbies, how many have included a member of the Milwaukee Brewers?

The Tom Hanks Award for Overall Excellence

Welcome one and all to the first annual JABO's. As KP proclaimed, in efforts to regain your allegiance and love we will be granting one award per day (starting today) from now until the All-Star Game begins next Tuesday. I look forward to the lavishness and majesty of this award season. Here we go...

The Tom Hanks Award for Overall Excellence
Winner: Prince Fielder
Runner-Up: Trevor Hoffman

I figured my last post was a little sorrowful, (it's ok to cry) so I figured I'd start by recognizing the highlight of the Brewers' first half.

Prince Fielder has been nothing short of fantastic in a lineup filled with otherwise un-intimidating bats. Teams around the league have noticed this and subsequently pitched around Fielder more than ever. In 159 games last year, Prince walked 84 times. Through 85 in 2009, he has earned 61. Chalk it up to discipline says Buster Olney, The Rock, and other brilliant baseball minds. Yes, discipline and consistency is the name of the game for the Prince, as well as the namesake for this award. Just like Mr. Hanks, Prince has performs well in every aspect. Time and time again Prince delivers. Prince's stats are amazing and he should win the NL MVP for Someone Not Named Pujols. Eventually, Prince will win the big one, but until then, he continues to carry this team, just as Hanks has carried film after film. And I'm pretty sure Prince could tell Dottie Hinson to hang onto a baseball.

Just get to the point Chuck: Prince's first half has mirrored the career of Tom Hanks. Both icons have consistently turned in good performances and they are awesome. Just keep doing that thing you do Prince. Thanks to Prince, Houston does have a problem. It's crazy how often Fielder treats opposing pitchers like Toys. (One more?) Catch me if you can, Albert...at least in the RBI chase.

You've been great. Good talk. Go Brewers.

Chuckie