The Tom Hanks Award for Overall Excellence

Welcome one and all to the first annual JABO's. As KP proclaimed, in efforts to regain your allegiance and love we will be granting one award per day (starting today) from now until the All-Star Game begins next Tuesday. I look forward to the lavishness and majesty of this award season. Here we go...

The Tom Hanks Award for Overall Excellence
Winner: Prince Fielder
Runner-Up: Trevor Hoffman

I figured my last post was a little sorrowful, (it's ok to cry) so I figured I'd start by recognizing the highlight of the Brewers' first half.

Prince Fielder has been nothing short of fantastic in a lineup filled with otherwise un-intimidating bats. Teams around the league have noticed this and subsequently pitched around Fielder more than ever. In 159 games last year, Prince walked 84 times. Through 85 in 2009, he has earned 61. Chalk it up to discipline says Buster Olney, The Rock, and other brilliant baseball minds. Yes, discipline and consistency is the name of the game for the Prince, as well as the namesake for this award. Just like Mr. Hanks, Prince has performs well in every aspect. Time and time again Prince delivers. Prince's stats are amazing and he should win the NL MVP for Someone Not Named Pujols. Eventually, Prince will win the big one, but until then, he continues to carry this team, just as Hanks has carried film after film. And I'm pretty sure Prince could tell Dottie Hinson to hang onto a baseball.

Just get to the point Chuck: Prince's first half has mirrored the career of Tom Hanks. Both icons have consistently turned in good performances and they are awesome. Just keep doing that thing you do Prince. Thanks to Prince, Houston does have a problem. It's crazy how often Fielder treats opposing pitchers like Toys. (One more?) Catch me if you can, Albert...at least in the RBI chase.

You've been great. Good talk. Go Brewers.

Chuckie

Brewers on Deck, A Vision

This past week witnessed two reminders that Milwaukee is still in love with their Brewers. As most of our Brewers brethren are aware, the Brewers hosted their "Winter Warm-Up" last Friday at the Riverside Theater, and then invited fans back on Saturday for the "Brewers on Deck" gathering at the Midwest Airlines Center. According to Jabo's beloved Michael Hunt, 12,911 paid to experience the two day revival of Brewers fanaticism...a feat jaboutside.com matches daily but who's counting...It wasn't long ago that the Brewers were drawing 13,000 for games. Where have you gone John Vander Wal?

Unfortunately I was unable to make it back for the festivities, choosing to focus my energy on reaching "Pro" status in Wii boxing. (Watch out for the butch chick boxers, very low center of gravity). In the wake of Captain's poetic brilliance, and with the help of several Pizza Beers, I imagined my own Brewers On-Deck events emceed by Brooks Kieschnick (who is celebrating his 3rd Anniversary of Announcing his retirement on Feb. 15 by the way). They are as follows.

The Comedy Stylings of Doug Melvin: Is everyone from Canada funny? Dana Carvey, Mike Myers, Will Arnett, Doug Melvin. When he proposed the Brewers replace CC Sabathia with Mark Tauscher, I lost it. An absolute riot.

Cage Match - Prince Fielder vs. Manny Parra: I think everyone wants closure to that rumble. Of course, right when Manny is about to get pinned, Craig Counsell will jump from under the ring, and break it up only to start his own feud with Prince. Eat your heart out Vince McMahon.

Mike Cameron Interactive Instructional Presentation: What I learned from getting caught. Basically, kids can learn from Mike's mistakes for future pursuits of gold gloves and homers.


Corey Hart: Hot or Not?
I imagine this debate raging for hours, Dunder-Mifflin style.





Seth McClung Poetry Jam: Any poem, or Jabo haiku, will do really, but in my mind's eye I see him pontificating 'Lil Wayne lyrics to bongo beats.

Ryan Braun Interview Exhibit: How Long Can He Speak Without Saying Anything?...I love Brauny, I really do. When he first came up I found his style a little obnoxious (and I couldn't understand how girls found him attractive), but as we all know, he just wanted to win. Now, I find his ability to answer questions without providing any new information fascinating and prodigious. If we could also arrange a reading from the Torah that would be great.

Visitations from Recent Brewers History:
- Salomon Torres Inspirational Speaking
- Matt Wise Imitating Derrick Turnbow, while also playing T-Bow in a chess match
- Reuben Qveudo stretching and running in the outfield before pitching
- Ben Sheets giving book reports on The Boxcar Children series


Alright. Enough fun. Go watch last night's Real World, its what Chuck Klosterman would do.

What Happens when Brewers.com Lets a 5 Year Old Write News Reports

Just checking in quick; I got an e-mail from the Brewers about the recent Prince Fielder contract. I challenge all, in a Where's Waldo type game, to locate one of the most redundant and poorly-written sentences of all time. Game on.

According to two reports, Fielder is guaranteed $18 million in the contract -- $6.5 million in 2009 and $11.5 million in 2010 -- plus a $1 million signing bonus.

He can reportedly earn an additional $250,000 in each season if Fielder reaches 500 plate appearances. A healthy Fielder should easily reach that milestone if he stays healthy; he has had at least 648 plate appearances in all three of his full seasons with the Brewers.

A healthy Fielder should easily reach that milestone if he stays healthy; he has had at least 648 plate appearances in all three of his full seasons with the Brewers.

Prince Fielder Poetry Jam

It is being reported this afternoon that the Milwaukee Brewers and Prince Fielder have come to an agreement on a 2 year contract pending a physical (I, for one, would like to be the proverbial fly on the wall for that medical adventure). Feeling obligated to comment on this, but also not being able to escape the unforgiving confines of Wolf Blitzer’s Situation Room I have decided to express my feelings through the ancient art of the Japanese haiku. This should finally put an end to those nasty rumors that the Just A Bit Outside crew and Captain Fantastic have turned their collective backs on the site's vast Japanese fan base. Let’s ride….

Captain Fantastic presents “Heavy is the Body that Wears the Crown” or “Prince Fielder Haiku #1”
A Captain Fantastic Joint.

Prince inks agreement,
Homeruns rain on his Kingdom;
No Meat, No Meat, Yes


(finger snaps)