Why Do I Hate the Cubs?

Just a short few minutes ago, our beloved Chuckie Oliver texted me to ask "Have you met Ted?".  While this is of minimal importance to you, his next text message is slightly more relevant, reading "Some people want to know why you hate the Chicago Cubs". As a result, I am expecting a mass surge in readership, so I'd like to welcome you all to the Just A Bit Outside Experience. I promise you will be slightly amused, considerably more informed, and likely wishing you had spent your time elsewhere. Before I get started with an elaborate Cubs hatefest, let me preface this by saying that I understand why it might be hard to fathom how two young gentlemen with a college education and a high schoolers appearance could hate something as fervently as we despise the Cubs; they have a fanship that includes Eddie Vedder, Mark Titus, and Michael Wilbon, they were the franchise that discovered Henry Roengardner, they're consistently underdogs in the eyes of the nation and Wrigley Field is one of the most historic sports venues in America. But I assure you that the blinds have been pulled over your eyes, the Cubs are not a team worthy of your support. And it has nothing to do with the great players, like Ernie Banks, Ryne Sandberg, or Sammy Sosa(It's so reeeeeeeeeal), who have played there. Those guys were outstanding; the problem with the Chicago Cubs lies largely with the media and their fans.  Please, dear friends, read the following reasons about why I hate the Chicago Cubs. 

1. Pseudo-Tradition

Many baseball fans, and non-Satanists, despise the New York Yankees for their longstanding successes. And let's be honest with ourselves here; 26 World Championships is an awe-inspiring number. Despite all of the things people say against the Yankees, and I do so mostly in jest, you can never deny their rich tradition and history.  I have no problem with this, you're good so you can brag all you want. 

For those of you who have had the fortunate pleasure of not having to encounter Cubs fans on a regular basis, consider yourselves lucky. However, you may be unaware that two of the words they commonly throw around in reference to the Chicago Cubs franchise are: "tradition" and "history". Most of the obnoxious Cubs fans I have encountered repeatedly chide the Milwaukee Brewers for their lack of history and tradition, making the implication that the Chicago Cubs have some. Chicago has not won the National League pennant since 1945, has only won five division titles in the past 25 years, and have not won a World Series since 1908. 

To put this in perspective, the following things have occured in the years since the Chicago Cubs last won a World Series:

1. World War I (1914-1918)

2. World War II (1939-1945)

3. The election of eighteen separate United States President (every 4 years, sometimes 8)

4. Bruce Springsteen is born, proceeds to rock so fucking hard (1949)

5. Brown vs. Board of Education (1954)

6. Beanie Baby Fever sweeps the nation (during my awful childhood)

7. Video games are invented (not soon enough)

8. The Dharma Initiative is founded (1970, in Ann Arbor)

9. Ron Dayne wins the Heisman Trophy (1999)

10. Woodstock (1969)

11. A professional wrestler becomes the governor of Minnesota (1999)

12. Y2K! (We survived.)

13. ESPN is created (1979)

14. FireJoeMorgan.com is created (2005)

15. 180 episodes of Seinfeld are produced (1989-1998)

It's not that I have anything against unsuccessful sports franchises, the Milwaukee Brewers have zero National League pennants, zero division championships, and zero World Championships. What I do have a problem with is fans and media acting as if Chicago is some sort of epicenter of history. If the team wasn't located in the midst of a major metropolitan city, and in somewhere like Iowa City, the facade that there is history and tradition would be shattered. I think we should leave the bragging to people who have accomplished something, like the New York Yankees(26 World Championships), the Boston Celtics( 17 World Championships), UCLA Men's Basketball( 11 Championships) and Cash Warren(Jessica Alba).  

2. Place the Blame Where It Doesn't Belong

If you ask most Cubs fans why they haven't won a World Series since 1908, they will respond with something completely foolish, such as: some guy with headphones, Fred Merkle,  or a goat. 

While I think curses in general are foolish, and would probably place the blame on other factors like Dusty Baker being a shitty baseball manager and a lack of talent, the only one of these events I was alive for was the Steve Bartman incident. 

Steve Bartman may have deterred Moises Alou from catching a foul ball, but even that is a judgement call at best. But what Steve Bartman is most certainly not responsible for is:

1. Mark Prior walking Luis Castillo

2. Mark Prior throwing a wild pitch, allowing Juan Pierre to advance to third base

3. Alex Gonzalez botching a potential inning-ending double play

4. Derek Lee doubling off Mark Prior

5. Mike Mordecai clearing the bases with a double

6. Juan Pierre singling in another run, making the score 8-3

7. The night night, a game Bartman didn't even fucking attend, the Cubs blowing a 5-3 lead, and losing 9-6.

I think it's totally ridiculous that Cubs fans and the national media seek scapegoats to place the blame on, rather than accepting the fact that their failures are more than likely attributable to poor management and shitty players. But yeah, ostracizing a devoted lifelong fan is probably a better way to go. 

3. They are NOT Underdogs

I get it, we've all seen Hoosiers, the Big Green, and the Mighty Ducks films; we all fervently love underdogs. Even I love underdogs, and I hate most everything. But here's the thing, the Cubs are not the loveable losers they pretend to be. In fact, they have the third highest payroll in Major League Baseball. 

In fact, the Chicago Cubs payroll is so high that it dwarfs the salary of the greatest baseball team ever assembled. If you ever wondered, "Does KP have too much time on his hands?", here is your answer. Yes. Way too much time. Here is the combined salary, using the highest yearly salary for each respective player on the roster.

Wade Boggs: $4,724,316 ( New York Yankees 1995)

Jose Canseco: $5,800,000 (Boston Red Sox 1995)

Roger Clemens: $18,000,000(Houston Astros 2005)

Ken Griffey Jr: $12,500,000 (Cincinnati Reds 2005)

Don Mattingly: $4,420,000 (New York Yankees 1995)

Steve Sax: $3,575,000 (Chicago White Sox 1992)

Mike Scioscia: $2,183,333 (Los Angeles Dodgers 1992)

Ozzie Smith: $3,500,000 (St. Louis Cardinals 1996)

Darryl Strawberry: $5,300,000 (Los Angeles Dodgers 1995)

TOTAL SALARY: $60,0002,649

Here is the salary of the nine highest paid players for the 2009 Chicago Cubs(courtesy of Cot's Baseball Contracts):

Derek Lee: $13,000,000

Carlos Zambrano: $17,750,000

Alfonso Soriano: $16,000,000

Aramis Ramirez: $15,650,000

Ryan Dempster: $8,000,000

Ted Lilly: $12,000,000

Kusoke Fukodome: $11,500,000

Milton Bradley: $5,000,000

Rich Harden:$7,000,000

TOTAL SALARY: $105,900,000

Now, I am not naive. I realize that player salaries have skyrocketed, and that inflation exists(the only teams that do not have a higher payroll than the Burns All-Stars are the Pittsburgh Pirates, San Diego Padres, and Florida Marlins). I am just trying to demonstrate that we cannot just go around throwing the underdog label for anyone. Especially not for a team that has one of the highest payrolls in the entire league.

I don't know that I have changed anyone's opinion of the Chicago Cubs in the process of writing this. If anything, you probably all hate me now. I just need everyone to know, for once, some reasons why I find Cubs fans to be so annoying. Let me know what you think, and despite the fact that you can't comment on our site legitimately, I'll post anything interesting that anyone says.