Many 'Fantastic' Returns

They said it wouldn't happen. They said we wouldn't see him again. They said he had abandoned his people. They said he had forgotten his login password for the blog. But they were wrong. And by 'they' we all know who I'm talking about. The haters. Haters who said Captain Fantastic was no more. Well folks, from the ashes rises a phoenix. Captain Fantastic is back. You might be asking “Captain Fantastic, where have you been all this time?”. To which, I'll respond, “I'll ask the questions on my blog asshole”. So what rose me from my proverbial Tora Bora cave system? None other than a nonsensical comment by FSN Wisconsin's own Bill “Rock” Schroeder during Wednesday night's Brewers vs. Cardinals matchup. With no further Freddy Adu, sporting my #45 jaboutside jersey, I'll jump into my breakdown of Bill's diluted baseball mind:

I need to paraphrase here seeing is how I didn't have my “Bill Schroeder bologna” notepad handy (it was in my other fanny pack. Don't you hate it when that happens?!):

“Albert Pujols is in the category that you walk him intentionally with the bases loaded. He has four grand slams this season.”

Holy Guacamole Bill! What fly by night school of baseball managing are you subscribing to?!


According to the history of the sport we know as baseball, since the beginning of the 20th century only four players have been walked intentionally with the bases loaded. Four! Not to mention only two of those four have been given a bases loaded free pass since we kicked the Nazi's butts in World War II. This isn't walking the catcher to get to the pitcher or even sacrifice bunting to move a runner into scoring position we're talking about here. This is baseball heresy! Believe it or not, this event actually happened just last season in a game between the Texas Rangers and Tampa Bay Rays. Manager Joe Maddon decided to give a free pass to Texas slugger, and former junkie, Josh Hamilton with the bases juiced. And...it worked! The Rays retired the next batter and eventually won the game! Following the contest Maddon had this to say about his decision:

“Doesn’t matter,” he said. “You’ve got to go with what you think is the right thing in the moment, based on everything that’s presented to you.
“Of course if it didn’t work out I would have been skewered, and that would have been fine.”


Fair point Joe! I'll make sure to use that line next time I get brought into the police station for hanging out too close to the playground again. In a philosophical sense, do the ends always justify the means? Apparently to Joe Maddon and potentially Rock they do.

Also, what category exists of players that should be intentionally walked with the bases loaded!? Can I find this on MLB.com? Albert Pujols is amazing yes. He should win the MVP Award every year until he decides to hang up his cleats. But last time I checked the list of people one should walk with the bases juiced looked like this:

List of People you should Intentionally Walk with the Bases Loaded
By Common Sense

1. Steve Nebraska from The Scout
2. Ken Griffey Jr. in Ken Griffey Jr.'s Slugfest for Nintendo 64
3. The kid in your little league who clearly had a mustache by age 11
4. Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez


That's it. I'm sorry, but I don't see Albert Pujols on that list. Case closed.

The bottom line is that it's a dumb idea just like a flat tax system and background checks by potential employers. The MLB record for grand slams in a season is six, held by Travis Hafner and Dandy Don Mattingly. Even if Albert the Great continues at this rate of grand salamis he'll end the season with eight maybe nine? How many times will he come to the plate with the bases loaded? Depending on the batters in front of him, probably a lot more. And what are his chances of hitting a home run in that spot? 12%? 15%? Depending on his Home Run to At-Bat ratio at the time. Yes, it saves you the asshole reporter asking after you give up the grand slam to Pujols why you pitched to him in that spot, but it opens you up to the next guy clearing the bases or missing the likely chance that Albert will make an out. He still makes outs at an incredible rate, almost 2 to 1! Don't get me wrong here, Captain Fantastic is all about winning ball games, but Captain Fantastic also isn't an idiot.


Anywho, in closing let me just say that it's great to be back. I'd like to thank you for all the well wishes and kind words I received in my absence. Sorry to Chuckie O for pushing the first post anyone has made in months off the top of the page, but you never know what or when Captain Fantastic will rise from the ether.

Jah Bless...


(cue the music!)

First Half Therapy

Hey there kids. With the first half of the season in the books, I figured its fine time to jump back in this blog of dreams. Captain Fantastic,the inspiration for NBC's Philanthropist , has yet to return from his latest charitable effort in Detroit in which he donated t-shirts to parking garage attendants. But KP and I will march along nonetheless.

Now to the matter at hand: What the fuck is wrong with the Brewers? I offer a few theories:
1. Rickie Weeks' absence is killing our offense and general functionality
2. The bullpen is overworked and losing their effectiveness
3. Dave Bush hasn't worn his bling in awhile
4. Bill Hall locked the batting cage keys inside the cage
5. Too many day games for Braun's pretty eyes

Theory the first: I think Rickie's absence has proven to be the biggest story of the first half, with the addition of "Trevor Time" ranking second. While Rickie's injury was bemoaned for a few days after the injury, it's effects will linger until the end of the season. For the first 34 game with Rickie leading off, the Brewers were 23-14 and cruising along with a 5 game win streak. Since May 17, the Crew is 20-26 and depressing Brewers nation more than the economy. With Rickie, the team averaged 5.14 runs per game. Without: 4.39. I'm a big believer in team confidence/swagger/gusto/testicular fortitude (it's ok, it's a wrestling link) and Rickie appeared to embody the team's swelling confidence. Number 23 was proving commentators wrong with his swing, just as the team was shaking off low expectations and steamrolling through the NL Central. You'd think Ryan Braun would have enough swagger to cover for Rickie, but this pre-all star break swoon proves otherwise.

Sure, without Rickie's injury, rookie of the year candidate Casey Megahee would be Mike Rivera-ing, Bill Hall would still be our 1st 3B option and Gamel would be in Sean Whalen-ville. But the stability Rickie was providing at the top of the lineup and at 2B was superb. Maybe the entire team was just overachieving and the shitty play since then was just a coindidence. Oh well.

2. Bullpen worries. The rate at which the Brewers are pulling up rag-arms from the minor leagues is alarming. Remember how often Claudio Vargas pitched past the 5th inning? It was more rare then laughing at a Dane Cook movie. Well, he was the only pitcher you had to worry about not pitching deep into a game with a surrounding rotation of Sheets, Capuano, Bush, a young Yovanni and Suppan. And the bullpen (mostly Villanueva) STILL got worn out by the end of the season. Many will argue that Ned mishandled the bullpen, but I'd rather fault the starting pitching. Seven inning starts are practically forbidden over the last few weeks and the bullpen is suffering. If I were paid to do this, I would look up the bullpen ERA for each month, but I have naps and sandwiches to get to so just trust me. A once stalwart 'pen is bearing the brunt of Suppan and the gang's suckiness and now we have to keep calling up arms that have no business in the major leagues (i.e. Burns, Narveson, Smith). Ugh

3. Day games. Braun took it upon himself to voice the team's concerns about the apparently crippling shadows of Miller Park on day games a few weeks ago. This immediately struck me as an idiotic thing to say. Heartthrob Gord Ash succinctly countered those sentiments with a legitimate concern: "You hope it doesn't become a mental thing". Braun seems to have a major leadership role with the Brewers so if he's complaining about things that he can't control, the other players are probably buying it...which sucks. A look at the numbers is slightly reassuring...
In home games played before 3:05pm, the Brewers are 6-7 scoring 42 runs, with 62 scored against them. The record's ok, but getting outscored by 20 runs in 13 games shows you that teams are able to hit in the shadows, but that team does not play for Ken Macha.


So that's my two cents. I'm pissed and utterly disappointed in this team, especially after the recent squabbling between Braun and Melvin. Braun wasn't that out of line in calling out his pitchers (they're human and they suck), but calling out Doug Melvin for not making a trade is mindless. When Doug pulled the trigger for Sabathia last year, the team showed the potential to do some damage with one final piece. This year, if ol Doug makes a move of any significance, they may finish at .500. It's depressing, but prospects appear more valuable now than Javier Vazquez no matter what fan favorite Michael Hunt claims.

I hope I'm wrong about all of these things. I hope Braun's media mayhem sparks the team as it did after the sweep in Boston last year. I hope Corey Hart finds his swing again and I desperately hope the pitching rotation finds a groove like they did before Rickie's injury....but all signs point to a sub-.500 second half and a boring September. Go Packers.

Peace, Love & Gap,
Chuckie

Dave Bush, Bling Master

After today's victory, Ken Macha went on record as to say that Dave Bush is not a guy with a lot of "bling". I'd sure like to see Ken try to explain this picture. Fucking liar.

Why Do I Hate the Cubs?

Just a short few minutes ago, our beloved Chuckie Oliver texted me to ask "Have you met Ted?".  While this is of minimal importance to you, his next text message is slightly more relevant, reading "Some people want to know why you hate the Chicago Cubs". As a result, I am expecting a mass surge in readership, so I'd like to welcome you all to the Just A Bit Outside Experience. I promise you will be slightly amused, considerably more informed, and likely wishing you had spent your time elsewhere. Before I get started with an elaborate Cubs hatefest, let me preface this by saying that I understand why it might be hard to fathom how two young gentlemen with a college education and a high schoolers appearance could hate something as fervently as we despise the Cubs; they have a fanship that includes Eddie Vedder, Mark Titus, and Michael Wilbon, they were the franchise that discovered Henry Roengardner, they're consistently underdogs in the eyes of the nation and Wrigley Field is one of the most historic sports venues in America. But I assure you that the blinds have been pulled over your eyes, the Cubs are not a team worthy of your support. And it has nothing to do with the great players, like Ernie Banks, Ryne Sandberg, or Sammy Sosa(It's so reeeeeeeeeal), who have played there. Those guys were outstanding; the problem with the Chicago Cubs lies largely with the media and their fans.  Please, dear friends, read the following reasons about why I hate the Chicago Cubs. 

1. Pseudo-Tradition

Many baseball fans, and non-Satanists, despise the New York Yankees for their longstanding successes. And let's be honest with ourselves here; 26 World Championships is an awe-inspiring number. Despite all of the things people say against the Yankees, and I do so mostly in jest, you can never deny their rich tradition and history.  I have no problem with this, you're good so you can brag all you want. 

For those of you who have had the fortunate pleasure of not having to encounter Cubs fans on a regular basis, consider yourselves lucky. However, you may be unaware that two of the words they commonly throw around in reference to the Chicago Cubs franchise are: "tradition" and "history". Most of the obnoxious Cubs fans I have encountered repeatedly chide the Milwaukee Brewers for their lack of history and tradition, making the implication that the Chicago Cubs have some. Chicago has not won the National League pennant since 1945, has only won five division titles in the past 25 years, and have not won a World Series since 1908. 

To put this in perspective, the following things have occured in the years since the Chicago Cubs last won a World Series:

1. World War I (1914-1918)

2. World War II (1939-1945)

3. The election of eighteen separate United States President (every 4 years, sometimes 8)

4. Bruce Springsteen is born, proceeds to rock so fucking hard (1949)

5. Brown vs. Board of Education (1954)

6. Beanie Baby Fever sweeps the nation (during my awful childhood)

7. Video games are invented (not soon enough)

8. The Dharma Initiative is founded (1970, in Ann Arbor)

9. Ron Dayne wins the Heisman Trophy (1999)

10. Woodstock (1969)

11. A professional wrestler becomes the governor of Minnesota (1999)

12. Y2K! (We survived.)

13. ESPN is created (1979)

14. FireJoeMorgan.com is created (2005)

15. 180 episodes of Seinfeld are produced (1989-1998)

It's not that I have anything against unsuccessful sports franchises, the Milwaukee Brewers have zero National League pennants, zero division championships, and zero World Championships. What I do have a problem with is fans and media acting as if Chicago is some sort of epicenter of history. If the team wasn't located in the midst of a major metropolitan city, and in somewhere like Iowa City, the facade that there is history and tradition would be shattered. I think we should leave the bragging to people who have accomplished something, like the New York Yankees(26 World Championships), the Boston Celtics( 17 World Championships), UCLA Men's Basketball( 11 Championships) and Cash Warren(Jessica Alba).  

2. Place the Blame Where It Doesn't Belong

If you ask most Cubs fans why they haven't won a World Series since 1908, they will respond with something completely foolish, such as: some guy with headphones, Fred Merkle,  or a goat. 

While I think curses in general are foolish, and would probably place the blame on other factors like Dusty Baker being a shitty baseball manager and a lack of talent, the only one of these events I was alive for was the Steve Bartman incident. 

Steve Bartman may have deterred Moises Alou from catching a foul ball, but even that is a judgement call at best. But what Steve Bartman is most certainly not responsible for is:

1. Mark Prior walking Luis Castillo

2. Mark Prior throwing a wild pitch, allowing Juan Pierre to advance to third base

3. Alex Gonzalez botching a potential inning-ending double play

4. Derek Lee doubling off Mark Prior

5. Mike Mordecai clearing the bases with a double

6. Juan Pierre singling in another run, making the score 8-3

7. The night night, a game Bartman didn't even fucking attend, the Cubs blowing a 5-3 lead, and losing 9-6.

I think it's totally ridiculous that Cubs fans and the national media seek scapegoats to place the blame on, rather than accepting the fact that their failures are more than likely attributable to poor management and shitty players. But yeah, ostracizing a devoted lifelong fan is probably a better way to go. 

3. They are NOT Underdogs

I get it, we've all seen Hoosiers, the Big Green, and the Mighty Ducks films; we all fervently love underdogs. Even I love underdogs, and I hate most everything. But here's the thing, the Cubs are not the loveable losers they pretend to be. In fact, they have the third highest payroll in Major League Baseball. 

In fact, the Chicago Cubs payroll is so high that it dwarfs the salary of the greatest baseball team ever assembled. If you ever wondered, "Does KP have too much time on his hands?", here is your answer. Yes. Way too much time. Here is the combined salary, using the highest yearly salary for each respective player on the roster.

Wade Boggs: $4,724,316 ( New York Yankees 1995)

Jose Canseco: $5,800,000 (Boston Red Sox 1995)

Roger Clemens: $18,000,000(Houston Astros 2005)

Ken Griffey Jr: $12,500,000 (Cincinnati Reds 2005)

Don Mattingly: $4,420,000 (New York Yankees 1995)

Steve Sax: $3,575,000 (Chicago White Sox 1992)

Mike Scioscia: $2,183,333 (Los Angeles Dodgers 1992)

Ozzie Smith: $3,500,000 (St. Louis Cardinals 1996)

Darryl Strawberry: $5,300,000 (Los Angeles Dodgers 1995)

TOTAL SALARY: $60,0002,649

Here is the salary of the nine highest paid players for the 2009 Chicago Cubs(courtesy of Cot's Baseball Contracts):

Derek Lee: $13,000,000

Carlos Zambrano: $17,750,000

Alfonso Soriano: $16,000,000

Aramis Ramirez: $15,650,000

Ryan Dempster: $8,000,000

Ted Lilly: $12,000,000

Kusoke Fukodome: $11,500,000

Milton Bradley: $5,000,000

Rich Harden:$7,000,000

TOTAL SALARY: $105,900,000

Now, I am not naive. I realize that player salaries have skyrocketed, and that inflation exists(the only teams that do not have a higher payroll than the Burns All-Stars are the Pittsburgh Pirates, San Diego Padres, and Florida Marlins). I am just trying to demonstrate that we cannot just go around throwing the underdog label for anyone. Especially not for a team that has one of the highest payrolls in the entire league.

I don't know that I have changed anyone's opinion of the Chicago Cubs in the process of writing this. If anything, you probably all hate me now. I just need everyone to know, for once, some reasons why I find Cubs fans to be so annoying. Let me know what you think, and despite the fact that you can't comment on our site legitimately, I'll post anything interesting that anyone says. 

We'll Have to Settle for 161-1

Opening day has come and gone, rather unspectacularly, as the Brewers fell to the Giants. While losing is something I never welcome or enjoy(exceptions: virginity, cow brains eating competition) I'm not going to lose my cool or anything. In fact, after taking some time to think things over, I'm going to look at today's game in the most formulaic, least original way I can think of: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. 

The Good

Rickie Weeks: reached base safely on 4 out of 5 at-bats, drove in a run, stole a base, fucking rocked Edgar Renteria and prevented a double play, and scored a run. Due to the fact that Brewers fans have such ridiculous expectations for him, anything less than this on a daily basis will result in massive amounts of public ridicule. 

Mike Cameron: Got on base every on all five of his at-bats, including four walks. His season high for walks in a game last year was 3, and that only occurred once on July 11th against Houston. So hopefully Mike, and the team as a whole, continues to be a bit more selective and patient.

No bunts. Every game this occurs, regardless of outcome, will be at least moderately pleasing to me. 

The Bad

Corey Hart and JJ Hardy both looked extremely lost at the plate, leading to intense speculation from people who care about such things to ponder whether or not these two should be switched in the batting order. Please note, I am not someone who cares about this. Batting order is largely overrated, and Corey Hart will still chase bad sliders whether he bats second or fifth. 

The Ugly

Here is a list of the pitchers who appeared for the Brewers today who did not give up a run:

The pitching staff was awful today, from start to finish. Nobody looked even remotely good, unless of course you include the badass beard Dave Bush has been growing all winter. Pitching was the area of concern going into the season, and it appears it may be the Achilles heel of the team. 

Quote of the Day

"Milwaukee was trying to get aggressive, and they've got a good power team. They probably wanted to do as many things as they could to me."-Tim Lincecum 

Is Tim Lincecum referring to the baseball game today or the time the Brewers took him out to a Red Lobster in their parents Volvo, then went back to Tim's basement and tried to put them moves on him while watching the Slumdog Millionaire DVD? I guess given the fact that Lincecum may, in fact, be a sixteen year old, we should not dismiss this possibility. 

BASEBALL

People ask me what I do in winter when there's no baseball. I'll tell you what I do. I stare out the window and wait for spring. ~Rogers Hornsby

Well, JABers, we’ve reached the orgasmic climax of another spring training. We’ve waited 182 days (183 by Opening Day) since the Crew walked into the sunset of 2008, and in the immortal words of Salamon Torres: “You can wait no more”. There were a lot of questions going into spring training (see KP’s February defeat of Tom Oates) and the fact that only 1 issue has been settled (Bill Hall should be at 3rd on April 7) is no reason to fret. Article after article discussed the pitching staff, Rickie Weeks, new coaches, the bullpen, etc. Yes, Brewers Spring Training 2009 was as entertaining as an episode of Two And a Half Men, but did any writer honestly think we would know if Ken Macha was the right man for the job after one month against Quadruple-A teams in Arizona?

Whatever. We survived a month of mindless puff from Brewers.com to arrive at the origins of a special season. Last season was a fairytale in the most badass way. I’m somewhat removed, living in Narnia and all, but I sense that we’re all coming into 2009 with the right expectations.
If we were to ask the following individuals to reflect on the upcoming season, I’m sure it would look something like this…

The mind of Ken Macha: “We’re definitely a work in progress. Every game is going to be a battle. It’s odd, but Doug Melvin doesn’t make lineup cards or pitching changes like Mr. Beane. That’s probably a regular season thing, uh?"

Bill Hall: “We’re definitely going to make some noise in the division. Playoffs are the goal, but we’re focused on each game…each game I start.”

Jason Kendall: “This is the best I will feel for the next 6 months.”

Jeff Suppan: “It’s Holy Week!!”

Superfan Khomas Tloiber: “I understand that this team isn’t as solid as last year’s club. It’s going to be an uphill climb with that pitching rotation. We’re not going to get nearly as many Jim Rome shoutouts. Wanna go to the Buffet?”

Mike Cameron: “New York? One phone call. I could have been in NEW YORK?!”

Chuckie Oliver: “Experience was the big acquisition this offseason. I rarely celebrate or worry about spring training stats, but the offensive stats posted have been impressive. Noteworthy contributors include Corey Hart, Rickie Weeks and Prince Fielder’s HR total. The pitching staff is of some concern, but it mirrors staffs of yesteryear and pre-Sabathia…just with more experience. (Remember when Claudio Vargas had 11 wins?) It’ll be interesting to see Billy Castro’s affect on Dave Bush’s consistency problems and Looper’s transition. I see Seth McClung having a say in the success of the Brewers this year either as a starter for a significant amount of time, or in a temporary role as closer.”

In conclusion: The Brewers will find some way to captivate us all season. They NEED to take advantage of early series against the Reds and Pirates to stay in the division race early. They lack an Ace to take them to 90 wins, but 85 victories is in reach. Playoffs are a stretch, but solid baseball is more than possible.

See ya out at the yard.

I Don't Know How to Use Hyperlinks in the Comment Section

Re: "I Don't Like Bud Selig" By Chuckie Oliver

While I certainly agree that Bud is a big enough douche to give any of these contestants a run for their money, I think it is unfair to blame him for the steroid era. People have been taking pills since before Bud Selig was roommates with this man at the University of Wisconsin-Madison sometime during Reconstruction (date approximate).  And even if he is to blame, the steroid era sort of saved baseball, so that can hardly be considered the worst thing he is responsible for. But the steroid issue is largely overcovered by media and the government, so we will let this potentially fiery debate simmer for the time being. Or at least until Captain Fantastic is properly equipped with a functional keyboard/computer.

Please don't let my defense of Bud Selig with regards to the steroids era allow you to think that I am somehow letting him off the hook. I mean let's be honest with this Fan Initiative website; there are probably more people visiting Just a Bit Outside than the Commisoner's new site. And our readership doesn't extend much further than our parents (Hello Mother Oliver!) and girlfriends (not real enough to say hi to). 

As you may know, I try to find the positive in any situation. And, if nothing else, this website  has the potential to cut, by 90%, the amount of times per game that Brian Anderson and Bill Schroeder reference the Miller Park Family Days, the Brewers Kids Club, the Harley-Davidson Double Play, and the 5 County Five Day Celebration. Now Brian can focus on being at his most smug at all times and Bill can think of new ways to bring up the fact that he was once a catcher for the Brewers and wasn't very good at it. You have to admit, it's a tantilizing dream world. 

Despite all of this, you're still a douche, Bud. Can you hear that?