BASEBALL

People ask me what I do in winter when there's no baseball. I'll tell you what I do. I stare out the window and wait for spring. ~Rogers Hornsby

Well, JABers, we’ve reached the orgasmic climax of another spring training. We’ve waited 182 days (183 by Opening Day) since the Crew walked into the sunset of 2008, and in the immortal words of Salamon Torres: “You can wait no more”. There were a lot of questions going into spring training (see KP’s February defeat of Tom Oates) and the fact that only 1 issue has been settled (Bill Hall should be at 3rd on April 7) is no reason to fret. Article after article discussed the pitching staff, Rickie Weeks, new coaches, the bullpen, etc. Yes, Brewers Spring Training 2009 was as entertaining as an episode of Two And a Half Men, but did any writer honestly think we would know if Ken Macha was the right man for the job after one month against Quadruple-A teams in Arizona?

Whatever. We survived a month of mindless puff from Brewers.com to arrive at the origins of a special season. Last season was a fairytale in the most badass way. I’m somewhat removed, living in Narnia and all, but I sense that we’re all coming into 2009 with the right expectations.
If we were to ask the following individuals to reflect on the upcoming season, I’m sure it would look something like this…

The mind of Ken Macha: “We’re definitely a work in progress. Every game is going to be a battle. It’s odd, but Doug Melvin doesn’t make lineup cards or pitching changes like Mr. Beane. That’s probably a regular season thing, uh?"

Bill Hall: “We’re definitely going to make some noise in the division. Playoffs are the goal, but we’re focused on each game…each game I start.”

Jason Kendall: “This is the best I will feel for the next 6 months.”

Jeff Suppan: “It’s Holy Week!!”

Superfan Khomas Tloiber: “I understand that this team isn’t as solid as last year’s club. It’s going to be an uphill climb with that pitching rotation. We’re not going to get nearly as many Jim Rome shoutouts. Wanna go to the Buffet?”

Mike Cameron: “New York? One phone call. I could have been in NEW YORK?!”

Chuckie Oliver: “Experience was the big acquisition this offseason. I rarely celebrate or worry about spring training stats, but the offensive stats posted have been impressive. Noteworthy contributors include Corey Hart, Rickie Weeks and Prince Fielder’s HR total. The pitching staff is of some concern, but it mirrors staffs of yesteryear and pre-Sabathia…just with more experience. (Remember when Claudio Vargas had 11 wins?) It’ll be interesting to see Billy Castro’s affect on Dave Bush’s consistency problems and Looper’s transition. I see Seth McClung having a say in the success of the Brewers this year either as a starter for a significant amount of time, or in a temporary role as closer.”

In conclusion: The Brewers will find some way to captivate us all season. They NEED to take advantage of early series against the Reds and Pirates to stay in the division race early. They lack an Ace to take them to 90 wins, but 85 victories is in reach. Playoffs are a stretch, but solid baseball is more than possible.

See ya out at the yard.

Happy Birthday? No Such Thing

Greetings,
First off, I would like to extend a hearty thank you to all those who sent their birthday wishes this weekend. The cards and money were graciously accepted, but that stripper “singing” along to Best of Both Worlds was a little much. Hannah Montana deserves better, even if I don’t.
I would also like to thank Doug Melvin for his belated birthday present. According to flip - flopping Star Magazine style blogs from Tom Haudricourt, Doug is drafting a contract with Brandon Looper’s stupid name on it. According to the blog, Looper’s price has plummeted since Christmas and justifiably so; he is 24-26 with a 4.52 ERA in 63 starts as a starting pitcher. Whatever. If he signs, he signs. I’ll root for him all the way. As Puddy would say, gotta support the team.

What’s the deal with Ben Sheets? Talk about depressing. No not, the fact that he somehow finagled a guaranteed major league contract only to have it guillotined away from him. I’m talking about the presumed end to his minority ownership of the Milwaukee Admirals. No, I have no idea what the Admirals record is right now. Nor do I know the majority owner of the Admirals, but I think it’s safe to assume Ben Sheets is the Bill Veeck (as in wreck) of the American Hockey Association. Only his brilliance could have envisioned the glory that was January 4, 2008. This epic evening featured the most intense rivalry in the AHL (Admirals vs. hated rival Chicago Wolves), an on-ice Goo Goo Dolls Concert, and an intricately decorated Rich Peverly bobblehead.

“It was the greatest concert music has ever produced” Milwaukee’s own Wudley Dilliams.

Consider this my thank you letter Ben. Even if your dedication and enthusiasm to the Admirals far out-shined your devotion to your baseball employer, you gave me the greatest bobblehead I own...even better than the one with your face on it.

Chuckie Oliver

p.s. Spring Training in 4 days = Baseball analysis soon. thanks for tuning in


UPDATE 1:21am 2/10/09 --- Since my previous post Mr. Looper has moved exponentially closer to joining the Brewers' starting rotation. Reading some of the rumored details of the deal, it appears as if we're only tied to Braden for 1 year = Awesome. I was totally against a Suppan-esque $40 million/4 year contract, but this beauty Melvin's got in the mix is wonderful. Rick Reilly is lame.

Crew-tube

For those of you as love-sick for Brewers nostalgia, I've scoured the internets for the great clips of the number one team in your hearts. Please pass along any other notable videos.

Mind boggling clash of baseball, awkward commercialization, blatant sexism, and adventures in narration.


Fucking Sweet Exposure


Salamon Torres Tribute


The Death of Adam Carolla's Career...and a minor recession in journalism


Marty Brennaman, a Wizard with Words


Gabe Gross' Present to Us All

Brewers on Deck, A Vision

This past week witnessed two reminders that Milwaukee is still in love with their Brewers. As most of our Brewers brethren are aware, the Brewers hosted their "Winter Warm-Up" last Friday at the Riverside Theater, and then invited fans back on Saturday for the "Brewers on Deck" gathering at the Midwest Airlines Center. According to Jabo's beloved Michael Hunt, 12,911 paid to experience the two day revival of Brewers fanaticism...a feat jaboutside.com matches daily but who's counting...It wasn't long ago that the Brewers were drawing 13,000 for games. Where have you gone John Vander Wal?

Unfortunately I was unable to make it back for the festivities, choosing to focus my energy on reaching "Pro" status in Wii boxing. (Watch out for the butch chick boxers, very low center of gravity). In the wake of Captain's poetic brilliance, and with the help of several Pizza Beers, I imagined my own Brewers On-Deck events emceed by Brooks Kieschnick (who is celebrating his 3rd Anniversary of Announcing his retirement on Feb. 15 by the way). They are as follows.

The Comedy Stylings of Doug Melvin: Is everyone from Canada funny? Dana Carvey, Mike Myers, Will Arnett, Doug Melvin. When he proposed the Brewers replace CC Sabathia with Mark Tauscher, I lost it. An absolute riot.

Cage Match - Prince Fielder vs. Manny Parra: I think everyone wants closure to that rumble. Of course, right when Manny is about to get pinned, Craig Counsell will jump from under the ring, and break it up only to start his own feud with Prince. Eat your heart out Vince McMahon.

Mike Cameron Interactive Instructional Presentation: What I learned from getting caught. Basically, kids can learn from Mike's mistakes for future pursuits of gold gloves and homers.


Corey Hart: Hot or Not?
I imagine this debate raging for hours, Dunder-Mifflin style.





Seth McClung Poetry Jam: Any poem, or Jabo haiku, will do really, but in my mind's eye I see him pontificating 'Lil Wayne lyrics to bongo beats.

Ryan Braun Interview Exhibit: How Long Can He Speak Without Saying Anything?...I love Brauny, I really do. When he first came up I found his style a little obnoxious (and I couldn't understand how girls found him attractive), but as we all know, he just wanted to win. Now, I find his ability to answer questions without providing any new information fascinating and prodigious. If we could also arrange a reading from the Torah that would be great.

Visitations from Recent Brewers History:
- Salomon Torres Inspirational Speaking
- Matt Wise Imitating Derrick Turnbow, while also playing T-Bow in a chess match
- Reuben Qveudo stretching and running in the outfield before pitching
- Ben Sheets giving book reports on The Boxcar Children series


Alright. Enough fun. Go watch last night's Real World, its what Chuck Klosterman would do.

Dave Duncan - Pitcher Whisperer

Good Evening Ladies and Gentleman,
Aside from the confusion from the previous obscure "Dark Knight" reference, how are you all? I've missed you. My time in Branson (not to be confused with Bronson), Missouri was well spent; one arrest and multiple karaoke escapades. All this amidst the rumors that our beloved Brew Crew was on the verge of signing the "savior" of the 2009 season: Brandon "Pooper" Looper. These rumors have died down, but I can't express my sense of disbelief over this very real connection between the Brewers and Looper, or any Cardinals pitcher for that matter...Or can I?

As most Brewers/Astros/Pirates/Reds fans know (the Cubs don't have fans, they have subhuman alcoholics) the Cardinals are always in the thick of it in September. One reason is Mr. Pujols (a model the Brewers seem to be following by locking up Brauny), but another we should analyze is Cardinals pitching coach Dave Duncan. REWIND: July 17. Local living room. SportsCenter is on. Barrel-Chest bobblehead bobbing. 12 empty Miller Lites ...
------
Scott Van Pelt/Lover of Madison: And Kyle Loshe wins his 12th game of the season going 7 innings, giving up only 2 ER. His record now stands at a sparkling 12-2
You: What the fuck, isn't Kyle Lohse the guy from the Twins who fucked up all the time?
Me: YES, and easy on the F-bombs

As regular as Ron Santo's bitching, is the Cardinals revival of a crap-tacular pitcher and the subsequent release of said Turd when his ego is boosted by Dave Duncan's godly/wrinkly hands. If you're good at something, never do it for free (DK x2).
Check these numbers (if you put stock in such categories):
Kyle Lohse: Card ERA – 3.78, With Other Teams ERA – 4.83
Matt Morris: Cardinals ERA - 3.60, Other ERA-5.20
Russ Springer: Card ERA – 2.25, Other ERA – 4.94
Al Reyes: Card ERA – 2.28, Other ERA - 4.09
Jeff Weaver: Card ERA - 4.89, 2003-06 & 07 ERA - 5.99
Jeff Suppan: Card ERA (04-06) – 3.94, 2000-03 ERA - 4.71, 07-08 ERA-4.78

And the list goes on: Chris Carpenter, Julian Taverez, Ryan Franklin, Josh Hancok (RIP), Jason Marquis, and our Cal Eldred; these gentleman are merely average hurlers before & after Duncan's supervision, but played a significant role in the Cardinals success.

Now I know what you're thinking, will Chuckie ever explain that Bronson allusion? Yes. Simpsons.
I can also hear your reservations over my worship of Dave Duncan...I'm not crazy. I'm not (Dark Knight x3). I just am proposing reasons to never consider an ex-Cardinals pitcher acquisition. It's like Charley going after The Waitress, he will most definitely fail royally. Sure Dave Duncan didn't create Mark Mulder's success nor save Sidney Ponson or Kip Wells from imploding, but the way he continuously turns slumdogs into millionaires is impressive. He didn’t turn them all into Cy Sabathia, but the Cards did receive a hefty R.O.I. With the comparative ERA’s I tried to show the effect Duncan has had, although I understand there are better measures of performance than straight ERA. I did consider age, injuries, and contract years in my number crunching, but if Ron Santo can overlook such things in his HOF campaign, so will I (but seriously, I tried to consider them, but they never skewed the numbers enough.) I'll let the debate rage from there.

I just want my phone call,
Chuckie O