You might be wondering why there have been so few posts as of late and the answer, for me, is that I am extremely lazy. However, I refuse to take responsibility for things when I should, so I am going to place the blame solely on the fact that nothing worthwhile has happened in Spring Training.
That is, of course, until today. The official first exciting moment of Spring Training occurred when Trevor Hoffman opted to throw a bullpen session instead of playing in an exhibition game. I'll give you a moment to let your head recover from the violent spinning motion which occurred upon receiving that news.
Of course, the exciting moment isn't so much Hoffman not pitching, but the reaction from Ken Macha:
“Those are the guys you want,” said Macha. “If you’re going to play ping-pong against somebody, you want them to say, ‘Game on.’ Or if you’re playing pinochle or pluck or whatever.
There are many things that separate me from Ken Macha. One of them is 52 years of living on earth. Another is believing that ping-pong passion and closing games are related. Personally, I don't give a shit if Trevor Hoffman is an intense ping-pong player, or if he puts in absolutely no effort when playing Stratego, or even if he totally mails it in when throwing horseshoes in the front lawn with his neighbors. As long as Hoffman commands his pitches, posts a low WHIP, and is able to save games, I will be more than satisfied.
EDIT(10:28PM): Just A Bit Outside has located file footage of the kind of intensity that Trevor Hoffman brings to the ping-pong battlefield.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
So Many Questions, Absolutely No Answers
It's the very beginning of Spring Training, and full team workouts have not yet commenced. Naturally, this will be the time of the year when there are much more questions than answers. The beauty of this, however, is that newspapers hire reporters to enlighten us and provide some insight that we can't get anywhere else about our favorite team. At least that's the goal; more often than not, you just get some half-assed questions from a pretentious reporter who spouts off a bunch of jargon and creates more questions than they answer(ex: "Is God punishing me by making me read this?" or "I wonder if I too could write an entire column in five minutes and have it published in a newspaper?"). To prove this point, I present to you Exhibit A, a shockingly bad Brewers article by Tom Oates of the Wisconsin State Journal.
I know some of you readers, being the judgmental assholes you are, might want to unfairly judge Mr. Oates for this despicable piece of journalism. But as you may have figured out by now, I empathize with less-gifted writers and am not quick to attack them for their shortcomings. (Yes, I might be a saint. ) And because of this, I was able to discover the methods used by Tom Oates in composing his masterpiece. They explain everything quite wonderfully. Sometimes all you need to do is take a walk in someone else's shoes.
Step 1: Realize Google is available for things beyond looking up the number to local sub restaurants.
Step 2: Type in the words "Milwaukee. Brewers. People Talking About Them. Questions About Them. Sub. Sandwich."
Step 3: Fork in the road is presented, as Google asks "Did you mean: Milwaukee Brewers Discussion Board" AND "Did you mean: Sub Sandwiches". Oates accidentally clicks on a Brewers Discussion board.
Step 4: Oates looks up the first 8 subjects listed on the message board, decides against clicking on them to see what they actually say, and writes them down on an old Butterfinger wrapper that was on his desk.
Step 5: Uses Google to look up the phone number for a sub sandwich. Waits 45 minutes for it to arrive. In the meantime, he uses two pencils on the edge of his desk to pretend that he is Todd Sucherman (normal people do this as well, we just pretend to be John Bonham). The sub arrives and is eaten in 3 bites. Oates looks at the empty Butterfinger wrapper on his desk and remembers he has to write a newspaper article.
Step 6: Doesn't know what to say about any of the questions posed, looks up the names of some Milwaukee Brewers, makes up several others, and decides to speak vaguely and hope no one notices (you are probably familiar with this technique if you have been on a date and been asked about something like art history, Marxism, politics of African countries, pasteurization, or whether Mount Rushmore is in North or South Dakota).
Step 7: Writes his masterpiece.
As a further service, I will act as a liason between Mr. Oates and you, interpreting his vagueries into terms that you can understand. Without further ado, here are my interpretations of some of Tom Oates more confusing Q&A's:
Is Ken Macha the right man at the right time?
Tom Oates:Macha's no-nonsense, fundamental-based approach to managing might be the jolt the Brewers need to improve their undisciplined offense and shaky defense. On the other hand, Macha could lose the Brewers clubhouse like he lost the clubhouse in Oakland.
KP's interpretation: Who really knows? Maybe? Maybe not? It could be good, but it could also be bad. I don't want to say anything too bold here, as the Wisconsin State Journal is everyone's main source for Brewers news and I don't want to ruffle any feathers. Also, I just heard of Ken Macha.
Can Dale Sveum help more as hitting coach than he did as interim manager?
Tom Oates:The Brewers have power, but an inability to make consistent contact made them overly reliant on the long ball. They were 10th in the National League in on-base percentage, 12th in strikeouts and 13th in hitting with runners in scoring position. Sveum was popular with the players during his late-season stint as manager, so maybe they won't tune him out like they did Jim Skaalen.
KP's interpretation: I will avoid answering the actual question at hand, which is whether Dale Sveum will make a bigger impact as a hitting coach than as a manager. Instead, I will just talk about last year, make no real prediction about this year, and hope the fact that the players considered inviting Sveum to a 4th of July Barbecue Pool Party last year will somehow be relevant. Everyone knows that the only successful hitting coaches are popular. This is why Emilio Estevez was so good as a hitting coach in the late 80's.
Will Weeks ever live up to his potential?
Tom Oates: Though general manager Doug Melvin will cite statistics that say otherwise, Weeks has been the most disappointing of the young stars. He has obvious talent, but his hitting and defense remain subpar. If new bench coach Willie Randolph can get Weeks to reach his potential, he will be more than just a manager-in-waiting.
KP's interpretation: Fuck statistics. I have nothing original to say, but a lot of people seem to like to bash Rickie Weeks for things that aren't as important as they seem(like strikeouts), so I will just go with that.
Who's on third?
Tom Oates: In a perfect world, off-season Lasik surgery would correct Bill Hall's two-year slump and he would win the job. The Brewers would settle for a platoon of Hall and left-handed hitting Mike Lamb, though even that is in doubt after Hall injured his calf and likely will miss the start of the season.
KP's interpretation: Despite studies that show Lasik surgery doesn't have that great of an impact on baseball performance(if you're a subscriber to Bill James Online, I suggest you read their findings) , I'm going to talk about it as if it a cure-all. Also, I'm not going to answer the question. I'll just name two people who are listed as third basemen. Additionally, many knowledgeable fans probably want to know about Mat Gamel, so I will ignore him entirely.
Can five solid starters do the work of two dominant ones?
Tom Oates:Without Sheets and Sabathia, the Brewers have only two potential high-end starters and both are young. Yovani Gallardo, who was hurt last year, and Manny Parra, who ran out of gas, must come through because Dave Bush, Jeff Suppan and free-agent Braden Looper are pitch-to-contact guys and, if last year proved anything, it's that a pair of aces can go a long way.
KP's interpretation: I am still trying to comprehend the run-on-sentence in which Oates names all five of the projected starters. This makes me think, more than I did before, that Tom Oates was just trying to rush this article out as fast as possible. I'm not even going to bother interpreting this, because it literally says nothing.
Hopefully, with me as your guide, you too can someday be as empahatic and understanding of talentless hacks who put no time into their job like Tom Oates of the Wisconsin State Journal.
I know some of you readers, being the judgmental assholes you are, might want to unfairly judge Mr. Oates for this despicable piece of journalism. But as you may have figured out by now, I empathize with less-gifted writers and am not quick to attack them for their shortcomings. (Yes, I might be a saint. ) And because of this, I was able to discover the methods used by Tom Oates in composing his masterpiece. They explain everything quite wonderfully. Sometimes all you need to do is take a walk in someone else's shoes.
Step 1: Realize Google is available for things beyond looking up the number to local sub restaurants.
Step 2: Type in the words "Milwaukee. Brewers. People Talking About Them. Questions About Them. Sub. Sandwich."
Step 3: Fork in the road is presented, as Google asks "Did you mean: Milwaukee Brewers Discussion Board" AND "Did you mean: Sub Sandwiches". Oates accidentally clicks on a Brewers Discussion board.
Step 4: Oates looks up the first 8 subjects listed on the message board, decides against clicking on them to see what they actually say, and writes them down on an old Butterfinger wrapper that was on his desk.
Step 5: Uses Google to look up the phone number for a sub sandwich. Waits 45 minutes for it to arrive. In the meantime, he uses two pencils on the edge of his desk to pretend that he is Todd Sucherman (normal people do this as well, we just pretend to be John Bonham). The sub arrives and is eaten in 3 bites. Oates looks at the empty Butterfinger wrapper on his desk and remembers he has to write a newspaper article.
Step 6: Doesn't know what to say about any of the questions posed, looks up the names of some Milwaukee Brewers, makes up several others, and decides to speak vaguely and hope no one notices (you are probably familiar with this technique if you have been on a date and been asked about something like art history, Marxism, politics of African countries, pasteurization, or whether Mount Rushmore is in North or South Dakota).
Step 7: Writes his masterpiece.
As a further service, I will act as a liason between Mr. Oates and you, interpreting his vagueries into terms that you can understand. Without further ado, here are my interpretations of some of Tom Oates more confusing Q&A's:
Is Ken Macha the right man at the right time?
Tom Oates:Macha's no-nonsense, fundamental-based approach to managing might be the jolt the Brewers need to improve their undisciplined offense and shaky defense. On the other hand, Macha could lose the Brewers clubhouse like he lost the clubhouse in Oakland.
KP's interpretation: Who really knows? Maybe? Maybe not? It could be good, but it could also be bad. I don't want to say anything too bold here, as the Wisconsin State Journal is everyone's main source for Brewers news and I don't want to ruffle any feathers. Also, I just heard of Ken Macha.
Can Dale Sveum help more as hitting coach than he did as interim manager?
Tom Oates:The Brewers have power, but an inability to make consistent contact made them overly reliant on the long ball. They were 10th in the National League in on-base percentage, 12th in strikeouts and 13th in hitting with runners in scoring position. Sveum was popular with the players during his late-season stint as manager, so maybe they won't tune him out like they did Jim Skaalen.
KP's interpretation: I will avoid answering the actual question at hand, which is whether Dale Sveum will make a bigger impact as a hitting coach than as a manager. Instead, I will just talk about last year, make no real prediction about this year, and hope the fact that the players considered inviting Sveum to a 4th of July Barbecue Pool Party last year will somehow be relevant. Everyone knows that the only successful hitting coaches are popular. This is why Emilio Estevez was so good as a hitting coach in the late 80's.
Will Weeks ever live up to his potential?
Tom Oates: Though general manager Doug Melvin will cite statistics that say otherwise, Weeks has been the most disappointing of the young stars. He has obvious talent, but his hitting and defense remain subpar. If new bench coach Willie Randolph can get Weeks to reach his potential, he will be more than just a manager-in-waiting.
KP's interpretation: Fuck statistics. I have nothing original to say, but a lot of people seem to like to bash Rickie Weeks for things that aren't as important as they seem(like strikeouts), so I will just go with that.
Who's on third?
Tom Oates: In a perfect world, off-season Lasik surgery would correct Bill Hall's two-year slump and he would win the job. The Brewers would settle for a platoon of Hall and left-handed hitting Mike Lamb, though even that is in doubt after Hall injured his calf and likely will miss the start of the season.
KP's interpretation: Despite studies that show Lasik surgery doesn't have that great of an impact on baseball performance(if you're a subscriber to Bill James Online, I suggest you read their findings) , I'm going to talk about it as if it a cure-all. Also, I'm not going to answer the question. I'll just name two people who are listed as third basemen. Additionally, many knowledgeable fans probably want to know about Mat Gamel, so I will ignore him entirely.
Can five solid starters do the work of two dominant ones?
Tom Oates:Without Sheets and Sabathia, the Brewers have only two potential high-end starters and both are young. Yovani Gallardo, who was hurt last year, and Manny Parra, who ran out of gas, must come through because Dave Bush, Jeff Suppan and free-agent Braden Looper are pitch-to-contact guys and, if last year proved anything, it's that a pair of aces can go a long way.
KP's interpretation: I am still trying to comprehend the run-on-sentence in which Oates names all five of the projected starters. This makes me think, more than I did before, that Tom Oates was just trying to rush this article out as fast as possible. I'm not even going to bother interpreting this, because it literally says nothing.
Hopefully, with me as your guide, you too can someday be as empahatic and understanding of talentless hacks who put no time into their job like Tom Oates of the Wisconsin State Journal.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Happy Birthday? No Such Thing
Greetings,
First off, I would like to extend a hearty thank you to all those who sent their birthday wishes this weekend. The cards and money were graciously accepted, but that stripper “singing” along to Best of Both Worlds was a little much. Hannah Montana deserves better, even if I don’t.
I would also like to thank Doug Melvin for his belated birthday present. According to flip - flopping Star Magazine style blogs from Tom Haudricourt, Doug is drafting a contract with Brandon Looper’s stupid name on it. According to the blog, Looper’s price has plummeted since Christmas and justifiably so; he is 24-26 with a 4.52 ERA in 63 starts as a starting pitcher. Whatever. If he signs, he signs. I’ll root for him all the way. As Puddy would say, gotta support the team.
What’s the deal with Ben Sheets? Talk about depressing. No not, the fact that he somehow finagled a guaranteed major league contract only to have it guillotined away from him. I’m talking about the presumed end to his minority ownership of the Milwaukee Admirals. No, I have no idea what the Admirals record is right now. Nor do I know the majority owner of the Admirals, but I think it’s safe to assume Ben Sheets is the Bill Veeck (as in wreck) of the American Hockey Association. Only his brilliance could have
envisioned the glory that was January 4, 2008. This epic evening featured the most intense rivalry in the AHL (Admirals vs. hated rival Chicago Wolves), an on-ice Goo Goo Dolls Concert, and an intricately decorated Rich Peverly bobblehead.
“It was the greatest concert music has ever produced” Milwaukee’s own Wudley Dilliams.
Consider this my thank you letter Ben. Even if your dedication and enthusiasm to the Admirals far out-shined your devotion to your baseball employer, you gave me the greatest bobblehead I own...even better than the one with your face on it.
Chuckie Oliver
p.s. Spring Training in 4 days = Baseball analysis soon. thanks for tuning in
UPDATE 1:21am 2/10/09 --- Since my previous post Mr. Looper has moved exponentially closer to joining the Brewers' starting rotation. Reading some of the rumored details of the deal, it appears as if we're only tied to Braden for 1 year = Awesome. I was totally against a Suppan-esque $40 million/4 year contract, but this beauty Melvin's got in the mix is wonderful. Rick Reilly is lame.
First off, I would like to extend a hearty thank you to all those who sent their birthday wishes this weekend. The cards and money were graciously accepted, but that stripper “singing” along to Best of Both Worlds was a little much. Hannah Montana deserves better, even if I don’t.
I would also like to thank Doug Melvin for his belated birthday present. According to flip - flopping Star Magazine style blogs from Tom Haudricourt, Doug is drafting a contract with Brandon Looper’s stupid name on it. According to the blog, Looper’s price has plummeted since Christmas and justifiably so; he is 24-26 with a 4.52 ERA in 63 starts as a starting pitcher. Whatever. If he signs, he signs. I’ll root for him all the way. As Puddy would say, gotta support the team.
What’s the deal with Ben Sheets? Talk about depressing. No not, the fact that he somehow finagled a guaranteed major league contract only to have it guillotined away from him. I’m talking about the presumed end to his minority ownership of the Milwaukee Admirals. No, I have no idea what the Admirals record is right now. Nor do I know the majority owner of the Admirals, but I think it’s safe to assume Ben Sheets is the Bill Veeck (as in wreck) of the American Hockey Association. Only his brilliance could have
envisioned the glory that was January 4, 2008. This epic evening featured the most intense rivalry in the AHL (Admirals vs. hated rival Chicago Wolves), an on-ice Goo Goo Dolls Concert, and an intricately decorated Rich Peverly bobblehead. “It was the greatest concert music has ever produced” Milwaukee’s own Wudley Dilliams.
Consider this my thank you letter Ben. Even if your dedication and enthusiasm to the Admirals far out-shined your devotion to your baseball employer, you gave me the greatest bobblehead I own...even better than the one with your face on it.
Chuckie Oliver
p.s. Spring Training in 4 days = Baseball analysis soon. thanks for tuning in
UPDATE 1:21am 2/10/09 --- Since my previous post Mr. Looper has moved exponentially closer to joining the Brewers' starting rotation. Reading some of the rumored details of the deal, it appears as if we're only tied to Braden for 1 year = Awesome. I was totally against a Suppan-esque $40 million/4 year contract, but this beauty Melvin's got in the mix is wonderful. Rick Reilly is lame.
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