Why Do I Hate the Cubs?

Just a short few minutes ago, our beloved Chuckie Oliver texted me to ask "Have you met Ted?".  While this is of minimal importance to you, his next text message is slightly more relevant, reading "Some people want to know why you hate the Chicago Cubs". As a result, I am expecting a mass surge in readership, so I'd like to welcome you all to the Just A Bit Outside Experience. I promise you will be slightly amused, considerably more informed, and likely wishing you had spent your time elsewhere. Before I get started with an elaborate Cubs hatefest, let me preface this by saying that I understand why it might be hard to fathom how two young gentlemen with a college education and a high schoolers appearance could hate something as fervently as we despise the Cubs; they have a fanship that includes Eddie Vedder, Mark Titus, and Michael Wilbon, they were the franchise that discovered Henry Roengardner, they're consistently underdogs in the eyes of the nation and Wrigley Field is one of the most historic sports venues in America. But I assure you that the blinds have been pulled over your eyes, the Cubs are not a team worthy of your support. And it has nothing to do with the great players, like Ernie Banks, Ryne Sandberg, or Sammy Sosa(It's so reeeeeeeeeal), who have played there. Those guys were outstanding; the problem with the Chicago Cubs lies largely with the media and their fans.  Please, dear friends, read the following reasons about why I hate the Chicago Cubs. 

1. Pseudo-Tradition

Many baseball fans, and non-Satanists, despise the New York Yankees for their longstanding successes. And let's be honest with ourselves here; 26 World Championships is an awe-inspiring number. Despite all of the things people say against the Yankees, and I do so mostly in jest, you can never deny their rich tradition and history.  I have no problem with this, you're good so you can brag all you want. 

For those of you who have had the fortunate pleasure of not having to encounter Cubs fans on a regular basis, consider yourselves lucky. However, you may be unaware that two of the words they commonly throw around in reference to the Chicago Cubs franchise are: "tradition" and "history". Most of the obnoxious Cubs fans I have encountered repeatedly chide the Milwaukee Brewers for their lack of history and tradition, making the implication that the Chicago Cubs have some. Chicago has not won the National League pennant since 1945, has only won five division titles in the past 25 years, and have not won a World Series since 1908. 

To put this in perspective, the following things have occured in the years since the Chicago Cubs last won a World Series:

1. World War I (1914-1918)

2. World War II (1939-1945)

3. The election of eighteen separate United States President (every 4 years, sometimes 8)

4. Bruce Springsteen is born, proceeds to rock so fucking hard (1949)

5. Brown vs. Board of Education (1954)

6. Beanie Baby Fever sweeps the nation (during my awful childhood)

7. Video games are invented (not soon enough)

8. The Dharma Initiative is founded (1970, in Ann Arbor)

9. Ron Dayne wins the Heisman Trophy (1999)

10. Woodstock (1969)

11. A professional wrestler becomes the governor of Minnesota (1999)

12. Y2K! (We survived.)

13. ESPN is created (1979)

14. FireJoeMorgan.com is created (2005)

15. 180 episodes of Seinfeld are produced (1989-1998)

It's not that I have anything against unsuccessful sports franchises, the Milwaukee Brewers have zero National League pennants, zero division championships, and zero World Championships. What I do have a problem with is fans and media acting as if Chicago is some sort of epicenter of history. If the team wasn't located in the midst of a major metropolitan city, and in somewhere like Iowa City, the facade that there is history and tradition would be shattered. I think we should leave the bragging to people who have accomplished something, like the New York Yankees(26 World Championships), the Boston Celtics( 17 World Championships), UCLA Men's Basketball( 11 Championships) and Cash Warren(Jessica Alba).  

2. Place the Blame Where It Doesn't Belong

If you ask most Cubs fans why they haven't won a World Series since 1908, they will respond with something completely foolish, such as: some guy with headphones, Fred Merkle,  or a goat. 

While I think curses in general are foolish, and would probably place the blame on other factors like Dusty Baker being a shitty baseball manager and a lack of talent, the only one of these events I was alive for was the Steve Bartman incident. 

Steve Bartman may have deterred Moises Alou from catching a foul ball, but even that is a judgement call at best. But what Steve Bartman is most certainly not responsible for is:

1. Mark Prior walking Luis Castillo

2. Mark Prior throwing a wild pitch, allowing Juan Pierre to advance to third base

3. Alex Gonzalez botching a potential inning-ending double play

4. Derek Lee doubling off Mark Prior

5. Mike Mordecai clearing the bases with a double

6. Juan Pierre singling in another run, making the score 8-3

7. The night night, a game Bartman didn't even fucking attend, the Cubs blowing a 5-3 lead, and losing 9-6.

I think it's totally ridiculous that Cubs fans and the national media seek scapegoats to place the blame on, rather than accepting the fact that their failures are more than likely attributable to poor management and shitty players. But yeah, ostracizing a devoted lifelong fan is probably a better way to go. 

3. They are NOT Underdogs

I get it, we've all seen Hoosiers, the Big Green, and the Mighty Ducks films; we all fervently love underdogs. Even I love underdogs, and I hate most everything. But here's the thing, the Cubs are not the loveable losers they pretend to be. In fact, they have the third highest payroll in Major League Baseball. 

In fact, the Chicago Cubs payroll is so high that it dwarfs the salary of the greatest baseball team ever assembled. If you ever wondered, "Does KP have too much time on his hands?", here is your answer. Yes. Way too much time. Here is the combined salary, using the highest yearly salary for each respective player on the roster.

Wade Boggs: $4,724,316 ( New York Yankees 1995)

Jose Canseco: $5,800,000 (Boston Red Sox 1995)

Roger Clemens: $18,000,000(Houston Astros 2005)

Ken Griffey Jr: $12,500,000 (Cincinnati Reds 2005)

Don Mattingly: $4,420,000 (New York Yankees 1995)

Steve Sax: $3,575,000 (Chicago White Sox 1992)

Mike Scioscia: $2,183,333 (Los Angeles Dodgers 1992)

Ozzie Smith: $3,500,000 (St. Louis Cardinals 1996)

Darryl Strawberry: $5,300,000 (Los Angeles Dodgers 1995)

TOTAL SALARY: $60,0002,649

Here is the salary of the nine highest paid players for the 2009 Chicago Cubs(courtesy of Cot's Baseball Contracts):

Derek Lee: $13,000,000

Carlos Zambrano: $17,750,000

Alfonso Soriano: $16,000,000

Aramis Ramirez: $15,650,000

Ryan Dempster: $8,000,000

Ted Lilly: $12,000,000

Kusoke Fukodome: $11,500,000

Milton Bradley: $5,000,000

Rich Harden:$7,000,000

TOTAL SALARY: $105,900,000

Now, I am not naive. I realize that player salaries have skyrocketed, and that inflation exists(the only teams that do not have a higher payroll than the Burns All-Stars are the Pittsburgh Pirates, San Diego Padres, and Florida Marlins). I am just trying to demonstrate that we cannot just go around throwing the underdog label for anyone. Especially not for a team that has one of the highest payrolls in the entire league.

I don't know that I have changed anyone's opinion of the Chicago Cubs in the process of writing this. If anything, you probably all hate me now. I just need everyone to know, for once, some reasons why I find Cubs fans to be so annoying. Let me know what you think, and despite the fact that you can't comment on our site legitimately, I'll post anything interesting that anyone says. 

We'll Have to Settle for 161-1

Opening day has come and gone, rather unspectacularly, as the Brewers fell to the Giants. While losing is something I never welcome or enjoy(exceptions: virginity, cow brains eating competition) I'm not going to lose my cool or anything. In fact, after taking some time to think things over, I'm going to look at today's game in the most formulaic, least original way I can think of: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. 

The Good

Rickie Weeks: reached base safely on 4 out of 5 at-bats, drove in a run, stole a base, fucking rocked Edgar Renteria and prevented a double play, and scored a run. Due to the fact that Brewers fans have such ridiculous expectations for him, anything less than this on a daily basis will result in massive amounts of public ridicule. 

Mike Cameron: Got on base every on all five of his at-bats, including four walks. His season high for walks in a game last year was 3, and that only occurred once on July 11th against Houston. So hopefully Mike, and the team as a whole, continues to be a bit more selective and patient.

No bunts. Every game this occurs, regardless of outcome, will be at least moderately pleasing to me. 

The Bad

Corey Hart and JJ Hardy both looked extremely lost at the plate, leading to intense speculation from people who care about such things to ponder whether or not these two should be switched in the batting order. Please note, I am not someone who cares about this. Batting order is largely overrated, and Corey Hart will still chase bad sliders whether he bats second or fifth. 

The Ugly

Here is a list of the pitchers who appeared for the Brewers today who did not give up a run:

The pitching staff was awful today, from start to finish. Nobody looked even remotely good, unless of course you include the badass beard Dave Bush has been growing all winter. Pitching was the area of concern going into the season, and it appears it may be the Achilles heel of the team. 

Quote of the Day

"Milwaukee was trying to get aggressive, and they've got a good power team. They probably wanted to do as many things as they could to me."-Tim Lincecum 

Is Tim Lincecum referring to the baseball game today or the time the Brewers took him out to a Red Lobster in their parents Volvo, then went back to Tim's basement and tried to put them moves on him while watching the Slumdog Millionaire DVD? I guess given the fact that Lincecum may, in fact, be a sixteen year old, we should not dismiss this possibility. 

BASEBALL

People ask me what I do in winter when there's no baseball. I'll tell you what I do. I stare out the window and wait for spring. ~Rogers Hornsby

Well, JABers, we’ve reached the orgasmic climax of another spring training. We’ve waited 182 days (183 by Opening Day) since the Crew walked into the sunset of 2008, and in the immortal words of Salamon Torres: “You can wait no more”. There were a lot of questions going into spring training (see KP’s February defeat of Tom Oates) and the fact that only 1 issue has been settled (Bill Hall should be at 3rd on April 7) is no reason to fret. Article after article discussed the pitching staff, Rickie Weeks, new coaches, the bullpen, etc. Yes, Brewers Spring Training 2009 was as entertaining as an episode of Two And a Half Men, but did any writer honestly think we would know if Ken Macha was the right man for the job after one month against Quadruple-A teams in Arizona?

Whatever. We survived a month of mindless puff from Brewers.com to arrive at the origins of a special season. Last season was a fairytale in the most badass way. I’m somewhat removed, living in Narnia and all, but I sense that we’re all coming into 2009 with the right expectations.
If we were to ask the following individuals to reflect on the upcoming season, I’m sure it would look something like this…

The mind of Ken Macha: “We’re definitely a work in progress. Every game is going to be a battle. It’s odd, but Doug Melvin doesn’t make lineup cards or pitching changes like Mr. Beane. That’s probably a regular season thing, uh?"

Bill Hall: “We’re definitely going to make some noise in the division. Playoffs are the goal, but we’re focused on each game…each game I start.”

Jason Kendall: “This is the best I will feel for the next 6 months.”

Jeff Suppan: “It’s Holy Week!!”

Superfan Khomas Tloiber: “I understand that this team isn’t as solid as last year’s club. It’s going to be an uphill climb with that pitching rotation. We’re not going to get nearly as many Jim Rome shoutouts. Wanna go to the Buffet?”

Mike Cameron: “New York? One phone call. I could have been in NEW YORK?!”

Chuckie Oliver: “Experience was the big acquisition this offseason. I rarely celebrate or worry about spring training stats, but the offensive stats posted have been impressive. Noteworthy contributors include Corey Hart, Rickie Weeks and Prince Fielder’s HR total. The pitching staff is of some concern, but it mirrors staffs of yesteryear and pre-Sabathia…just with more experience. (Remember when Claudio Vargas had 11 wins?) It’ll be interesting to see Billy Castro’s affect on Dave Bush’s consistency problems and Looper’s transition. I see Seth McClung having a say in the success of the Brewers this year either as a starter for a significant amount of time, or in a temporary role as closer.”

In conclusion: The Brewers will find some way to captivate us all season. They NEED to take advantage of early series against the Reds and Pirates to stay in the division race early. They lack an Ace to take them to 90 wins, but 85 victories is in reach. Playoffs are a stretch, but solid baseball is more than possible.

See ya out at the yard.

I Don't Know How to Use Hyperlinks in the Comment Section

Re: "I Don't Like Bud Selig" By Chuckie Oliver

While I certainly agree that Bud is a big enough douche to give any of these contestants a run for their money, I think it is unfair to blame him for the steroid era. People have been taking pills since before Bud Selig was roommates with this man at the University of Wisconsin-Madison sometime during Reconstruction (date approximate).  And even if he is to blame, the steroid era sort of saved baseball, so that can hardly be considered the worst thing he is responsible for. But the steroid issue is largely overcovered by media and the government, so we will let this potentially fiery debate simmer for the time being. Or at least until Captain Fantastic is properly equipped with a functional keyboard/computer.

Please don't let my defense of Bud Selig with regards to the steroids era allow you to think that I am somehow letting him off the hook. I mean let's be honest with this Fan Initiative website; there are probably more people visiting Just a Bit Outside than the Commisoner's new site. And our readership doesn't extend much further than our parents (Hello Mother Oliver!) and girlfriends (not real enough to say hi to). 

As you may know, I try to find the positive in any situation. And, if nothing else, this website  has the potential to cut, by 90%, the amount of times per game that Brian Anderson and Bill Schroeder reference the Miller Park Family Days, the Brewers Kids Club, the Harley-Davidson Double Play, and the 5 County Five Day Celebration. Now Brian can focus on being at his most smug at all times and Bill can think of new ways to bring up the fact that he was once a catcher for the Brewers and wasn't very good at it. You have to admit, it's a tantilizing dream world. 

Despite all of this, you're still a douche, Bud. Can you hear that?

I don't Like Bud Selig

Well, it’s been about a month JABers…thanks for your patience. Unfortunately, I do not possess the literary skills to compensate for my absence in one post. If it means anything, I will post on a more regular basis in the future. I’m pretty sure I’ve said that before though…

As we've established here on JABoutside, JSonline is a great source of Brewers news and fan folly. This post concerns a little from column A and a little from column B. JS’s Don Walker addressed Bud Selig’s new “Commissioner's Fan Initiative” in his blog today. The initiative, a collection of all ticket discounts offered by MLB clubs, has been implemented to help fans in these tough economic times.

Wow, Bud you’re so wise. You’re so considerate to the fans…always, always thinking about the little guy. I’m so glad you’re our fearless leader in such hard times. So what if you let ticket prices inflate like 'Lil Wayne’s ego. So what if your watchful eye missed that darn steroid era. And who cares if you threaten to contract teams…you’re showing us where to buy cheaper tickets!! Wait…these discounts already exist? You’re just putting them on your website? Oh—well --- that’s okay. At least you didn’t lie to Congress. You did?! Damnit Selig, where did you get this “Bud” name anyway?

Despite Bud’s douche-ness, the fact remains that discounted tickets are easier to find. Gone are the days when 15 year olds had to barter with FUBU clad scalpers just to watch Lou Collier strike out 3 times a game. Such is the price to pay for post-season baseball I suppose. (Sigh) At least the memories of Devon White and John Vander Wal came at a low price.

Chuckie