An Augustine Special

In todays Brewers Live pregame show, Jerry Augustine announced that today the Brewers don't need a quality start from Braden Looper; the Brewers need a "special start". I was in the midst of preparing a fine and affordable Usinger's bratwurst for dinner (you better believe I'll sell out), so I may have been in a state of ecstacy and imagined his description, but it seemed as if he made the implication that a special start would be: a complete game shutout, a perfect game, or at the very least, 8 scoreless innings.

Where the fuck does Augustine get off thinking that this is even remotely a realistic expectation for Braden Looper? In twelve major league seasons, Braden Looper has:

1 complete game

0 perfect games

1 career game pitching more than 7 complete innings

Who would ever think that the Brewers should expect such an outing from such a mediocre pitcher? Of course it would be nice, but why not give us all some real analysis here instead of telling us about your fantasyland bullshit?

I can't wait for tomorrow's pregame, in which Jerry Augustine will announce that our starting pitcher should transform (I would really advise you to look into the possibility of sellling out) into Tim Lincecum or Dan Haren for a night instead of the average pitcher that they truly are.

Craig Counsell Fact or Fiction

Every week until I run out of ideas, I will be posting a brief fact about internet vixen/Brewers shortstop Craig Counsell(only click if you are over the age of 18) . The facts will range from personal to statistical, and if I am bored, may very well reach the realms of hypothetical. I will also be posting a complete fallacy about Craig Counsell and leave it up to you, the reader, to determine which is true and which is false. The first reader to correctly respond to me will win a scratch off game card signed by the Just a Bit Outside staff. Here we go:

In the three games in which Craig Counsell has hit a home run, the Brewers record is 2-1.

In the offseason, Craig Counsell spends his free time relaxing, vacationing, and killing drifters just to see if he can get away with it.

I hope that, upon discovering the correct answer, this week's fact will change the way you think about life, the world around you, the Panama Canal, and Craig Counsell.

Creed Bratton Moments of Glory Award

Hey there again. I'm using this blog as therapy again due to the Brewers incredible inability to play baseball under God's shimmering sunlight. It's so fucking annoying.

Anyway, I'm here today to present the Creed Branton Award for the Brewer who uses his time in the spotlight most efficiently. The Award naming committee would like to recognize Pawan Barot for honorary mention in this category dedication.

Creed Bratton Moments of Glory Award
Winner: Mike Rivera
Last Place: Jody Gerut

Surprisingly, Mike Rivera is still a Brewer. Lest we forget, he has started 14 games this season. His moments in the field are both brief and exciting. Apparently, Mike Rivera does not know how to catch a ball or something because Jason Kendall gets WAY more playing time the Creed Award Winner. I keep hearing how wonderfully Kendall "handles" pitchers. Really? The team ERA (with Kendall catching 76 of the 88 games) is 4.54. Kendall might get the edge over Rivera with OBP (.323 vs. .296 respectively)...but only slightly. Also, noted baseball philosopher Jatt Marosz deems Kendall as 2nd "Most Clutch" on the Brewers. Otherwise, I don't know why Ken doesn't throw Rivera out there for a few more times per week. Given last year's .377 BA and .812 OPS, I thought we would see more of Mike Rivera. Nope. Regardless, this post is a celebration of Mike Rivera's use of camera time.

Creed Bratton's life is shrouded in mystery and that's the way we like it. Too much Creed and fans might be turned off by his horniess, age and lack of residence. He's the ultimate showman. In the spirit of George Costanza and Mr. Bratton, Mike Rivera is wonderful in the spotlight with a much more threatening bat compared to Kendall...and then he leaves us. Masterful work Mike. Enjoy the spoils of your performance, or lack thereof.

At the other end of the spectrum, Jody Gerut makes the worst of every opportunity he is granted. He fails to show any signs of a major league bat. It's sad. Even if we didn't trade my favorite non-Brewer, major leaguer not named Junior Griffey for Jody, I would accost him in a similar way.

For those scoring at home, the Brewers have closed the gap to 7-4 in the Bottom of the 8th. Miraculously, the Crew scored 4 runs since this post began. What a fucking tease.

Love,
Chuckie

Say It Ain't So

With games nearly every day, and reporters in their face before and after nearly all of them, the potential for a baseball player to say something completely absurd, foolish, and laughable is enormous. With that said, I usually overlook most of the borderline quotes, especially given the disgustingly low education level of major league baseball players.

Even so, every now and then someone says something so ridiculous and inane that one can't but help to comment on it. And once again, over the course of a long season, the amount of these quotes are sure to be staggering. As true as this may be, our dear Bill Hall has eliminated any other quotes from contention with one simple sentence. This hilarious quote from Bill Hall stands alone as the most hilarious quote of, not only the season thus far, but perhaps my entire existence as a literate human being. I know, I've built this up so much that whatever follows cannot possibly live up to your expectations, right? Wrong. The quote in question?

"I STILL CONSIDER MYSELF THE BEST THIRD BASEMEN IN THE LEAGUE"

Holy fuck everyone, Bill Hall has gone batshit crazy. This statement has my mind spinning so much I am actually getting dizzy. First of all, when did anyone ever consider Bill Hall to be the best third basemen in the league? Is he under the impression that he, Bill Hall, is the sole third basemen in the league?Does he live in some sort of parallel universe where Evan Longoria, Alex Rodriguez, David Wright, and anyone else who is actually good at third base do not exist?

It's actually ironic that Bill Hall considers himself to be the best third basemen in the league, because I consider him to be the fucking worst. Even in 2006, when he hit 35 home runs, he was still not the best third basemen in the game. And since his talent has continually regressed since that anomaly of a year, how the hell does he figure he has improved his ranking among third basemen? Some of what follows will be slightly redundant, as I briefly touched on Bill Hall in a previous post,but I'll try my best to keep it fresh.

Games Played: 65

Apparently, 65 times this year we decided to make it easier for the other team to win. Probably an idea courtesy of the charitable Jeff Suppan.

OBP: .265/League Average: .338

Yep, you read that one right. Bill Hall makes an out, and hurts the chances that the Brewers have to win, 73.5% of the time he is at bat. THE. BEST. IN. THE. LEAGUE.

OPS: .595/League Average: .757

THE BEST OF ALL TIME????

OPS+: 57

Second worst on the team, right behind Jody Gerut. When Jason Kendall is considered a better offensive weapon than you, as he is in the case of OPS+, you should consider yourself lucky to have a job before you consider yourself great.

Offensive Winning Percentage: .225

In layman's terms, paraphrased from Baseball Prospectus, is the percentage of games that a team could expect to win if the output of a given player were replicated by all 9 players. The rate for a standard, run of the mill replacement player was set by Bill James at .350, which means that over a 162 game season, a team of replacement players could expect to win 56 games. The Bill Hall Living Legends Roadshow, however, would only win 36 games. A TEAM OF BILL HALLS WOULD LOSE TWENTY MORE GAMES THAN A TEAM COMPRISED OF MERELY AVERAGE PLAYERS!!!!

Positional MLV: -13.1

Described verbatim from BP as "runs contributed by a batter beyond what an average player at the same position would produce in a team of otherwise league-average batters". In a team of average batters, Bill Hall costs the team 13 runs. Outstanding.

There is not a single fucking statistic that justifies the title of "League Average Third Basemen", much less "Best Third Basemen in the Game". In fact, every time Bill Hall appears in the game for the Brewers, he dramatically impinges their chances of winning. Congratulations Bill Hall, you are not only unproductive, but an idiot as well.

Home Improvement

I know, the award a day plan hasn't exactly gone smoothly. I was travelling to Canada to promote "A Night in Nova Scotia With Stephen Harper", my latest adult graphic novel. Thanks to the masses who came out to support me, and thanks to Prime Minister Harper for dropping the lawsuit.

Now that that's out of the way, we can get back to work. Which is fitting, since the award for today is not one that anyone wants to win, as we're going to figure out who needs to improve the most in the second half in order for the Brewers to contend for the playoffs. We've got a crowded field, as the past few weeks have demonstrated that the Brewers are a team with many flaws. Our contenders for the crown are: bench production, starting pitching, and relief. Here is the case for all of them:

Starting and Relief Pitching

Yovanni Gallardo has been the sole bright spot in the starting rotation, and has pitched much, much better than his 8-7 record suggests (more on this later). For the most part, the starting pitching has been unspectacular, unreliable, and inconsistent. From one start to the next, who knows what we should expect from the motley crew made up of Jeff Suppan, Braden Looper, Manny Parra, Dave Bush, with cameos from Mike Burns and Seth McClung. While the bullpen has had their moments, as a whole I think they've been really good. When they do falter, I feel it's moreso due to being overworked, a direct result of the underwhelming performances by the starting pitchers. So while we could always use improvement, the bullpen is probably good enough to get us where we need to be. Here are the numbers for the entire staff, compared with the league average numbers:

Home Runs Allowed: 114 (League Average: 86)

Walks: 319 (League Average:315)

Strikeouts: 615 (League Average:606)

ERA+: 93, Third Worst in the Majors! (League Average: 101)

WHIP: 1.399 (League Average: 1.385)

Bench Production

The achilles heel for this team has, for the entirety of the year, been the lack of bench production. This ragtag bunch began with Chris Duffy, Brad Nelson, Casey Mcgehee, Craig Counsell, and Mike Rivera (who I barely count, and thus will not speak of very much). Injuries and a lack of production from Bill Hall have led to me consistent playing time for Mcgeehee and Counsell, while a lack of production cost Duffy and Nelson their roster spots.

The replacements for Duffy and Nelson, Frank Catalontto and Jody Gerut have arrived, Mat Gamel has been promoted, and Bill Hall has been relegated to bench duty. Rather than looking at the bench as a whole, because there are a few bright spots, I will focus on our most egregiously bad performers.

Brad Nelson: 23 plate appearances, 0 hits, 2 walks, .000 Batting Average, .087 OBP and OPS, -74 OPS+, -5.1 VORP

Chris Duffy: 37 plate appearances, 4 hits, 4 walks, .222 OBP, .378 OPS, 3 OPS+, -4.3 VORP

Jody Gerut: 43 plate appearances, 4 hits, 3 walks, .163 OBP, .265 OPS, -27 OPS+, -6.8 VORP

Bill Hall (more on him later): 208 plate appearances, .260 OBP, .595 OPS, 57 OPS+, -7.2 VORP

These guys, all of whom possess negative VORP numbers, cripple our chances of competing every single time they appear in the game.

One move that has worked out, to some extent, is the acquisition of Frank Catalanotto, so I feel it's only right to acknowledge his performance:

Catalanotto: 52 plate appearances, .327 OBP, .731 OPS, 93 OPS+

The bottom line is that we've tried time and time again to repair the effectiveness of our bench, to no avail. It is undoubtably the area where we need the most help. The inconvenient truth, however, is that if we truly want to emerge as a contender, we need to solidify every aspect of the ballclub. And maybe stop playing people who are worse than a replacement player.

The 'Cable Guy' Pleasently Surprised Award

Greetings. We're working ourselves to exhaustion over here at JABO headquarters. Hope you're all impressed and mildly entertained. You make it all possible.

The Cable Guy Pleasant Surprise Award
Winner: Todd Coffey
Runner-Up: Craig Counsell

This was a close one. Day 2's Award has been dedicated to one of Jim Carrey's less heralded roles, the 1996 comedy The Cable Guy. This maligned film has suffered numerous pop-culture onslaughts (see Planet Springfield Visit), but in a vacuum, The Cable Guy is pretty funny and a solid little comedy. Similarly, Todd Coffey is putting together a nice little season and puts on a comedy show every time he appears in a game. This type of performance proves once again why Doug Melvin shan't be questioned in public. Coffey was claimed off waivers by the Brewers last September after the Reds dumped him and his 6.00 ERA. Miraculously, he proved invaluable to the Brewers down the stretch and into the playoffs. And surprisingly, he's come up big in tough situations this season too.

When we look back at Jim Carrey's career, most will look past the comedy pairings of Carrey and Matthew Broderick. And when we look back at 2009, hopefully Todd Coffey is not the highlight. Us dreamers would like to think other feats of strength will carry the Brewers into October baseball. And for that reason, Todd Coffey wins Day 2's Pleasantly Surprised Award. He is also the winner on account of his pleasantly surprising age: 28. Congrats sir.

Chuckie O

BONUS!!!
JABO Trivia: Out of the last 10 Home Run Derbies, how many have included a member of the Milwaukee Brewers?

The Tom Hanks Award for Overall Excellence

Welcome one and all to the first annual JABO's. As KP proclaimed, in efforts to regain your allegiance and love we will be granting one award per day (starting today) from now until the All-Star Game begins next Tuesday. I look forward to the lavishness and majesty of this award season. Here we go...

The Tom Hanks Award for Overall Excellence
Winner: Prince Fielder
Runner-Up: Trevor Hoffman

I figured my last post was a little sorrowful, (it's ok to cry) so I figured I'd start by recognizing the highlight of the Brewers' first half.

Prince Fielder has been nothing short of fantastic in a lineup filled with otherwise un-intimidating bats. Teams around the league have noticed this and subsequently pitched around Fielder more than ever. In 159 games last year, Prince walked 84 times. Through 85 in 2009, he has earned 61. Chalk it up to discipline says Buster Olney, The Rock, and other brilliant baseball minds. Yes, discipline and consistency is the name of the game for the Prince, as well as the namesake for this award. Just like Mr. Hanks, Prince has performs well in every aspect. Time and time again Prince delivers. Prince's stats are amazing and he should win the NL MVP for Someone Not Named Pujols. Eventually, Prince will win the big one, but until then, he continues to carry this team, just as Hanks has carried film after film. And I'm pretty sure Prince could tell Dottie Hinson to hang onto a baseball.

Just get to the point Chuck: Prince's first half has mirrored the career of Tom Hanks. Both icons have consistently turned in good performances and they are awesome. Just keep doing that thing you do Prince. Thanks to Prince, Houston does have a problem. It's crazy how often Fielder treats opposing pitchers like Toys. (One more?) Catch me if you can, Albert...at least in the RBI chase.

You've been great. Good talk. Go Brewers.

Chuckie

Some People Wait a Lifetime for a Moment Like This

If we can learn anything from the awful, vomit-inducing 5-1 loss the Brewers were just handed by the St. Louis Cardinals (aside from the fact that Will Leitch's favorite baseball team is full of rookie pricks) it's that a baseball season is full of highs and lows. We've just seen one of the lowest points, but the higher points of the season still allow us to hope for better things(it shall rise from the ashes!).

Aside from giving us hope, these higher points of the season are also important because of their high levels of fucking awesomeness. And now, here are your nominees:

Danny Gokey Throws Out the First Pitch

Just kiding, who gives a fuck about this? Now onto the real nominees.

Rain Delay in Detroit

The entire JABOutside Crew, including myself, Captain Fantastic, Chuckie Oliver, and two lucky contest winners made a weekend pilgrimage to the booming metropolis of Detroit for the Brewers series. On the first night there, we were quickly treated to a rain delay. Coming from our retractably-roofed fortress, we were shocked and amazed at such an occurance. The entire crew took it upon ourselves to take this rare opportunity to drink ourselves into oblivion at the stadium bar, probably titled with some dumbshit name like "The Den". As fun as it was to hear phrases like "do you really support this brokedown city AND this piece of shit baseball team?" coming out of the mouth of our drunken, thirteen year old contest winner, the fact that the Brewers lost the game and the series means this cannot possibly be the ultimate highlight.

Cleveland Indians Series

This one is a heavy favorite to win, given the amount of incredible moments associated with it. In no particular order, this is a game which featured:

1. "Wild Thing" Bobblehead Giveaway Day

Maybe you've seen the legendary movie "Major League"(filmed in Milwauke!), or maybe you have not and your life is empty and meaningless. Either way, you have to appreciate how outstanding this giveaway was.

2. An Awesome Comeback Win

At one point in this game, the Brewers were down by a score of 12-7, leading me to momentarily stop watching the game and focus on looking up old Saved By The Bell clips on YouTube for awhile. After finding many worthwhile distractions, I resumed watching the game and was rewarded with an incredible offensive outburst which included:

3. Prince Fielder's First Grand Slam

Though Prince has long been notorious for hitting baseballs incredible distances, I don't think I have ever seen him hit one as hard as this one. Plus, we were also very fortunate that the bases were loaded.

4. Prince Fielder giving the "Suck it" sign to the Cleveland Indians fans

This speaks for itself.

5. SWEEP

THE AWARD GOES TO:Rickie Weeks Scores in the Bottom of the 9th on Opening Day

As memorable as that Cleveland series was, there were so many factors which makes this moment my choice for the very best of the half-season. In no particular order: excessive parking lot drinking, first pitch shots at Fridays, sneaking down to closer seats with Chuckie, verbally assaulting a Cubs fan (who bought four seats for himself, and sat alone) from the 7th inning on, and high-fiving every man, woman, and child after this walk-off hit. It was one of those great moments that justifies and explains why we put up with so many close calls, blowouts, and heartbreaking moments. And for that reason, it stands alone as the best of the year.

Just a Bit of a Renaissance

Hola amigos, I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya. Really, it's been a long time since you've heard from any of us, so consider this our way of letting you know that we're still alive (except for Chuckie Oliver's dignity which died somewhere along a Michigan highway several months ago). I have no real excuse for the prolonged sabbatical, but I do want to say that I enjoy writing acerbic comments about baseball to half a dozen people online so I will make an honest effort to check in every so often.

With the first half of the season coming to a close, Sir Charles Oliver and myself decided it would be appropriate to give out some awards. And since we've been gone for so long, we're going to draw this out as long and painfully as possible, and we're each going to present a different award every day from now until the All-Star game. Captain Fantastic, who can only be reached via messenger birds, has not been informed of this decision yet but we can only hope he will join in the revelry.

Without further ado, let's get these awards rolling.

Many 'Fantastic' Returns

They said it wouldn't happen. They said we wouldn't see him again. They said he had abandoned his people. They said he had forgotten his login password for the blog. But they were wrong. And by 'they' we all know who I'm talking about. The haters. Haters who said Captain Fantastic was no more. Well folks, from the ashes rises a phoenix. Captain Fantastic is back. You might be asking “Captain Fantastic, where have you been all this time?”. To which, I'll respond, “I'll ask the questions on my blog asshole”. So what rose me from my proverbial Tora Bora cave system? None other than a nonsensical comment by FSN Wisconsin's own Bill “Rock” Schroeder during Wednesday night's Brewers vs. Cardinals matchup. With no further Freddy Adu, sporting my #45 jaboutside jersey, I'll jump into my breakdown of Bill's diluted baseball mind:

I need to paraphrase here seeing is how I didn't have my “Bill Schroeder bologna” notepad handy (it was in my other fanny pack. Don't you hate it when that happens?!):

“Albert Pujols is in the category that you walk him intentionally with the bases loaded. He has four grand slams this season.”

Holy Guacamole Bill! What fly by night school of baseball managing are you subscribing to?!


According to the history of the sport we know as baseball, since the beginning of the 20th century only four players have been walked intentionally with the bases loaded. Four! Not to mention only two of those four have been given a bases loaded free pass since we kicked the Nazi's butts in World War II. This isn't walking the catcher to get to the pitcher or even sacrifice bunting to move a runner into scoring position we're talking about here. This is baseball heresy! Believe it or not, this event actually happened just last season in a game between the Texas Rangers and Tampa Bay Rays. Manager Joe Maddon decided to give a free pass to Texas slugger, and former junkie, Josh Hamilton with the bases juiced. And...it worked! The Rays retired the next batter and eventually won the game! Following the contest Maddon had this to say about his decision:

“Doesn’t matter,” he said. “You’ve got to go with what you think is the right thing in the moment, based on everything that’s presented to you.
“Of course if it didn’t work out I would have been skewered, and that would have been fine.”


Fair point Joe! I'll make sure to use that line next time I get brought into the police station for hanging out too close to the playground again. In a philosophical sense, do the ends always justify the means? Apparently to Joe Maddon and potentially Rock they do.

Also, what category exists of players that should be intentionally walked with the bases loaded!? Can I find this on MLB.com? Albert Pujols is amazing yes. He should win the MVP Award every year until he decides to hang up his cleats. But last time I checked the list of people one should walk with the bases juiced looked like this:

List of People you should Intentionally Walk with the Bases Loaded
By Common Sense

1. Steve Nebraska from The Scout
2. Ken Griffey Jr. in Ken Griffey Jr.'s Slugfest for Nintendo 64
3. The kid in your little league who clearly had a mustache by age 11
4. Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez


That's it. I'm sorry, but I don't see Albert Pujols on that list. Case closed.

The bottom line is that it's a dumb idea just like a flat tax system and background checks by potential employers. The MLB record for grand slams in a season is six, held by Travis Hafner and Dandy Don Mattingly. Even if Albert the Great continues at this rate of grand salamis he'll end the season with eight maybe nine? How many times will he come to the plate with the bases loaded? Depending on the batters in front of him, probably a lot more. And what are his chances of hitting a home run in that spot? 12%? 15%? Depending on his Home Run to At-Bat ratio at the time. Yes, it saves you the asshole reporter asking after you give up the grand slam to Pujols why you pitched to him in that spot, but it opens you up to the next guy clearing the bases or missing the likely chance that Albert will make an out. He still makes outs at an incredible rate, almost 2 to 1! Don't get me wrong here, Captain Fantastic is all about winning ball games, but Captain Fantastic also isn't an idiot.


Anywho, in closing let me just say that it's great to be back. I'd like to thank you for all the well wishes and kind words I received in my absence. Sorry to Chuckie O for pushing the first post anyone has made in months off the top of the page, but you never know what or when Captain Fantastic will rise from the ether.

Jah Bless...


(cue the music!)

First Half Therapy

Hey there kids. With the first half of the season in the books, I figured its fine time to jump back in this blog of dreams. Captain Fantastic,the inspiration for NBC's Philanthropist , has yet to return from his latest charitable effort in Detroit in which he donated t-shirts to parking garage attendants. But KP and I will march along nonetheless.

Now to the matter at hand: What the fuck is wrong with the Brewers? I offer a few theories:
1. Rickie Weeks' absence is killing our offense and general functionality
2. The bullpen is overworked and losing their effectiveness
3. Dave Bush hasn't worn his bling in awhile
4. Bill Hall locked the batting cage keys inside the cage
5. Too many day games for Braun's pretty eyes

Theory the first: I think Rickie's absence has proven to be the biggest story of the first half, with the addition of "Trevor Time" ranking second. While Rickie's injury was bemoaned for a few days after the injury, it's effects will linger until the end of the season. For the first 34 game with Rickie leading off, the Brewers were 23-14 and cruising along with a 5 game win streak. Since May 17, the Crew is 20-26 and depressing Brewers nation more than the economy. With Rickie, the team averaged 5.14 runs per game. Without: 4.39. I'm a big believer in team confidence/swagger/gusto/testicular fortitude (it's ok, it's a wrestling link) and Rickie appeared to embody the team's swelling confidence. Number 23 was proving commentators wrong with his swing, just as the team was shaking off low expectations and steamrolling through the NL Central. You'd think Ryan Braun would have enough swagger to cover for Rickie, but this pre-all star break swoon proves otherwise.

Sure, without Rickie's injury, rookie of the year candidate Casey Megahee would be Mike Rivera-ing, Bill Hall would still be our 1st 3B option and Gamel would be in Sean Whalen-ville. But the stability Rickie was providing at the top of the lineup and at 2B was superb. Maybe the entire team was just overachieving and the shitty play since then was just a coindidence. Oh well.

2. Bullpen worries. The rate at which the Brewers are pulling up rag-arms from the minor leagues is alarming. Remember how often Claudio Vargas pitched past the 5th inning? It was more rare then laughing at a Dane Cook movie. Well, he was the only pitcher you had to worry about not pitching deep into a game with a surrounding rotation of Sheets, Capuano, Bush, a young Yovanni and Suppan. And the bullpen (mostly Villanueva) STILL got worn out by the end of the season. Many will argue that Ned mishandled the bullpen, but I'd rather fault the starting pitching. Seven inning starts are practically forbidden over the last few weeks and the bullpen is suffering. If I were paid to do this, I would look up the bullpen ERA for each month, but I have naps and sandwiches to get to so just trust me. A once stalwart 'pen is bearing the brunt of Suppan and the gang's suckiness and now we have to keep calling up arms that have no business in the major leagues (i.e. Burns, Narveson, Smith). Ugh

3. Day games. Braun took it upon himself to voice the team's concerns about the apparently crippling shadows of Miller Park on day games a few weeks ago. This immediately struck me as an idiotic thing to say. Heartthrob Gord Ash succinctly countered those sentiments with a legitimate concern: "You hope it doesn't become a mental thing". Braun seems to have a major leadership role with the Brewers so if he's complaining about things that he can't control, the other players are probably buying it...which sucks. A look at the numbers is slightly reassuring...
In home games played before 3:05pm, the Brewers are 6-7 scoring 42 runs, with 62 scored against them. The record's ok, but getting outscored by 20 runs in 13 games shows you that teams are able to hit in the shadows, but that team does not play for Ken Macha.


So that's my two cents. I'm pissed and utterly disappointed in this team, especially after the recent squabbling between Braun and Melvin. Braun wasn't that out of line in calling out his pitchers (they're human and they suck), but calling out Doug Melvin for not making a trade is mindless. When Doug pulled the trigger for Sabathia last year, the team showed the potential to do some damage with one final piece. This year, if ol Doug makes a move of any significance, they may finish at .500. It's depressing, but prospects appear more valuable now than Javier Vazquez no matter what fan favorite Michael Hunt claims.

I hope I'm wrong about all of these things. I hope Braun's media mayhem sparks the team as it did after the sweep in Boston last year. I hope Corey Hart finds his swing again and I desperately hope the pitching rotation finds a groove like they did before Rickie's injury....but all signs point to a sub-.500 second half and a boring September. Go Packers.

Peace, Love & Gap,
Chuckie

Dave Bush, Bling Master

After today's victory, Ken Macha went on record as to say that Dave Bush is not a guy with a lot of "bling". I'd sure like to see Ken try to explain this picture. Fucking liar.

Why Do I Hate the Cubs?

Just a short few minutes ago, our beloved Chuckie Oliver texted me to ask "Have you met Ted?".  While this is of minimal importance to you, his next text message is slightly more relevant, reading "Some people want to know why you hate the Chicago Cubs". As a result, I am expecting a mass surge in readership, so I'd like to welcome you all to the Just A Bit Outside Experience. I promise you will be slightly amused, considerably more informed, and likely wishing you had spent your time elsewhere. Before I get started with an elaborate Cubs hatefest, let me preface this by saying that I understand why it might be hard to fathom how two young gentlemen with a college education and a high schoolers appearance could hate something as fervently as we despise the Cubs; they have a fanship that includes Eddie Vedder, Mark Titus, and Michael Wilbon, they were the franchise that discovered Henry Roengardner, they're consistently underdogs in the eyes of the nation and Wrigley Field is one of the most historic sports venues in America. But I assure you that the blinds have been pulled over your eyes, the Cubs are not a team worthy of your support. And it has nothing to do with the great players, like Ernie Banks, Ryne Sandberg, or Sammy Sosa(It's so reeeeeeeeeal), who have played there. Those guys were outstanding; the problem with the Chicago Cubs lies largely with the media and their fans.  Please, dear friends, read the following reasons about why I hate the Chicago Cubs. 

1. Pseudo-Tradition

Many baseball fans, and non-Satanists, despise the New York Yankees for their longstanding successes. And let's be honest with ourselves here; 26 World Championships is an awe-inspiring number. Despite all of the things people say against the Yankees, and I do so mostly in jest, you can never deny their rich tradition and history.  I have no problem with this, you're good so you can brag all you want. 

For those of you who have had the fortunate pleasure of not having to encounter Cubs fans on a regular basis, consider yourselves lucky. However, you may be unaware that two of the words they commonly throw around in reference to the Chicago Cubs franchise are: "tradition" and "history". Most of the obnoxious Cubs fans I have encountered repeatedly chide the Milwaukee Brewers for their lack of history and tradition, making the implication that the Chicago Cubs have some. Chicago has not won the National League pennant since 1945, has only won five division titles in the past 25 years, and have not won a World Series since 1908. 

To put this in perspective, the following things have occured in the years since the Chicago Cubs last won a World Series:

1. World War I (1914-1918)

2. World War II (1939-1945)

3. The election of eighteen separate United States President (every 4 years, sometimes 8)

4. Bruce Springsteen is born, proceeds to rock so fucking hard (1949)

5. Brown vs. Board of Education (1954)

6. Beanie Baby Fever sweeps the nation (during my awful childhood)

7. Video games are invented (not soon enough)

8. The Dharma Initiative is founded (1970, in Ann Arbor)

9. Ron Dayne wins the Heisman Trophy (1999)

10. Woodstock (1969)

11. A professional wrestler becomes the governor of Minnesota (1999)

12. Y2K! (We survived.)

13. ESPN is created (1979)

14. FireJoeMorgan.com is created (2005)

15. 180 episodes of Seinfeld are produced (1989-1998)

It's not that I have anything against unsuccessful sports franchises, the Milwaukee Brewers have zero National League pennants, zero division championships, and zero World Championships. What I do have a problem with is fans and media acting as if Chicago is some sort of epicenter of history. If the team wasn't located in the midst of a major metropolitan city, and in somewhere like Iowa City, the facade that there is history and tradition would be shattered. I think we should leave the bragging to people who have accomplished something, like the New York Yankees(26 World Championships), the Boston Celtics( 17 World Championships), UCLA Men's Basketball( 11 Championships) and Cash Warren(Jessica Alba).  

2. Place the Blame Where It Doesn't Belong

If you ask most Cubs fans why they haven't won a World Series since 1908, they will respond with something completely foolish, such as: some guy with headphones, Fred Merkle,  or a goat. 

While I think curses in general are foolish, and would probably place the blame on other factors like Dusty Baker being a shitty baseball manager and a lack of talent, the only one of these events I was alive for was the Steve Bartman incident. 

Steve Bartman may have deterred Moises Alou from catching a foul ball, but even that is a judgement call at best. But what Steve Bartman is most certainly not responsible for is:

1. Mark Prior walking Luis Castillo

2. Mark Prior throwing a wild pitch, allowing Juan Pierre to advance to third base

3. Alex Gonzalez botching a potential inning-ending double play

4. Derek Lee doubling off Mark Prior

5. Mike Mordecai clearing the bases with a double

6. Juan Pierre singling in another run, making the score 8-3

7. The night night, a game Bartman didn't even fucking attend, the Cubs blowing a 5-3 lead, and losing 9-6.

I think it's totally ridiculous that Cubs fans and the national media seek scapegoats to place the blame on, rather than accepting the fact that their failures are more than likely attributable to poor management and shitty players. But yeah, ostracizing a devoted lifelong fan is probably a better way to go. 

3. They are NOT Underdogs

I get it, we've all seen Hoosiers, the Big Green, and the Mighty Ducks films; we all fervently love underdogs. Even I love underdogs, and I hate most everything. But here's the thing, the Cubs are not the loveable losers they pretend to be. In fact, they have the third highest payroll in Major League Baseball. 

In fact, the Chicago Cubs payroll is so high that it dwarfs the salary of the greatest baseball team ever assembled. If you ever wondered, "Does KP have too much time on his hands?", here is your answer. Yes. Way too much time. Here is the combined salary, using the highest yearly salary for each respective player on the roster.

Wade Boggs: $4,724,316 ( New York Yankees 1995)

Jose Canseco: $5,800,000 (Boston Red Sox 1995)

Roger Clemens: $18,000,000(Houston Astros 2005)

Ken Griffey Jr: $12,500,000 (Cincinnati Reds 2005)

Don Mattingly: $4,420,000 (New York Yankees 1995)

Steve Sax: $3,575,000 (Chicago White Sox 1992)

Mike Scioscia: $2,183,333 (Los Angeles Dodgers 1992)

Ozzie Smith: $3,500,000 (St. Louis Cardinals 1996)

Darryl Strawberry: $5,300,000 (Los Angeles Dodgers 1995)

TOTAL SALARY: $60,0002,649

Here is the salary of the nine highest paid players for the 2009 Chicago Cubs(courtesy of Cot's Baseball Contracts):

Derek Lee: $13,000,000

Carlos Zambrano: $17,750,000

Alfonso Soriano: $16,000,000

Aramis Ramirez: $15,650,000

Ryan Dempster: $8,000,000

Ted Lilly: $12,000,000

Kusoke Fukodome: $11,500,000

Milton Bradley: $5,000,000

Rich Harden:$7,000,000

TOTAL SALARY: $105,900,000

Now, I am not naive. I realize that player salaries have skyrocketed, and that inflation exists(the only teams that do not have a higher payroll than the Burns All-Stars are the Pittsburgh Pirates, San Diego Padres, and Florida Marlins). I am just trying to demonstrate that we cannot just go around throwing the underdog label for anyone. Especially not for a team that has one of the highest payrolls in the entire league.

I don't know that I have changed anyone's opinion of the Chicago Cubs in the process of writing this. If anything, you probably all hate me now. I just need everyone to know, for once, some reasons why I find Cubs fans to be so annoying. Let me know what you think, and despite the fact that you can't comment on our site legitimately, I'll post anything interesting that anyone says. 

We'll Have to Settle for 161-1

Opening day has come and gone, rather unspectacularly, as the Brewers fell to the Giants. While losing is something I never welcome or enjoy(exceptions: virginity, cow brains eating competition) I'm not going to lose my cool or anything. In fact, after taking some time to think things over, I'm going to look at today's game in the most formulaic, least original way I can think of: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. 

The Good

Rickie Weeks: reached base safely on 4 out of 5 at-bats, drove in a run, stole a base, fucking rocked Edgar Renteria and prevented a double play, and scored a run. Due to the fact that Brewers fans have such ridiculous expectations for him, anything less than this on a daily basis will result in massive amounts of public ridicule. 

Mike Cameron: Got on base every on all five of his at-bats, including four walks. His season high for walks in a game last year was 3, and that only occurred once on July 11th against Houston. So hopefully Mike, and the team as a whole, continues to be a bit more selective and patient.

No bunts. Every game this occurs, regardless of outcome, will be at least moderately pleasing to me. 

The Bad

Corey Hart and JJ Hardy both looked extremely lost at the plate, leading to intense speculation from people who care about such things to ponder whether or not these two should be switched in the batting order. Please note, I am not someone who cares about this. Batting order is largely overrated, and Corey Hart will still chase bad sliders whether he bats second or fifth. 

The Ugly

Here is a list of the pitchers who appeared for the Brewers today who did not give up a run:

The pitching staff was awful today, from start to finish. Nobody looked even remotely good, unless of course you include the badass beard Dave Bush has been growing all winter. Pitching was the area of concern going into the season, and it appears it may be the Achilles heel of the team. 

Quote of the Day

"Milwaukee was trying to get aggressive, and they've got a good power team. They probably wanted to do as many things as they could to me."-Tim Lincecum 

Is Tim Lincecum referring to the baseball game today or the time the Brewers took him out to a Red Lobster in their parents Volvo, then went back to Tim's basement and tried to put them moves on him while watching the Slumdog Millionaire DVD? I guess given the fact that Lincecum may, in fact, be a sixteen year old, we should not dismiss this possibility. 

BASEBALL

People ask me what I do in winter when there's no baseball. I'll tell you what I do. I stare out the window and wait for spring. ~Rogers Hornsby

Well, JABers, we’ve reached the orgasmic climax of another spring training. We’ve waited 182 days (183 by Opening Day) since the Crew walked into the sunset of 2008, and in the immortal words of Salamon Torres: “You can wait no more”. There were a lot of questions going into spring training (see KP’s February defeat of Tom Oates) and the fact that only 1 issue has been settled (Bill Hall should be at 3rd on April 7) is no reason to fret. Article after article discussed the pitching staff, Rickie Weeks, new coaches, the bullpen, etc. Yes, Brewers Spring Training 2009 was as entertaining as an episode of Two And a Half Men, but did any writer honestly think we would know if Ken Macha was the right man for the job after one month against Quadruple-A teams in Arizona?

Whatever. We survived a month of mindless puff from Brewers.com to arrive at the origins of a special season. Last season was a fairytale in the most badass way. I’m somewhat removed, living in Narnia and all, but I sense that we’re all coming into 2009 with the right expectations.
If we were to ask the following individuals to reflect on the upcoming season, I’m sure it would look something like this…

The mind of Ken Macha: “We’re definitely a work in progress. Every game is going to be a battle. It’s odd, but Doug Melvin doesn’t make lineup cards or pitching changes like Mr. Beane. That’s probably a regular season thing, uh?"

Bill Hall: “We’re definitely going to make some noise in the division. Playoffs are the goal, but we’re focused on each game…each game I start.”

Jason Kendall: “This is the best I will feel for the next 6 months.”

Jeff Suppan: “It’s Holy Week!!”

Superfan Khomas Tloiber: “I understand that this team isn’t as solid as last year’s club. It’s going to be an uphill climb with that pitching rotation. We’re not going to get nearly as many Jim Rome shoutouts. Wanna go to the Buffet?”

Mike Cameron: “New York? One phone call. I could have been in NEW YORK?!”

Chuckie Oliver: “Experience was the big acquisition this offseason. I rarely celebrate or worry about spring training stats, but the offensive stats posted have been impressive. Noteworthy contributors include Corey Hart, Rickie Weeks and Prince Fielder’s HR total. The pitching staff is of some concern, but it mirrors staffs of yesteryear and pre-Sabathia…just with more experience. (Remember when Claudio Vargas had 11 wins?) It’ll be interesting to see Billy Castro’s affect on Dave Bush’s consistency problems and Looper’s transition. I see Seth McClung having a say in the success of the Brewers this year either as a starter for a significant amount of time, or in a temporary role as closer.”

In conclusion: The Brewers will find some way to captivate us all season. They NEED to take advantage of early series against the Reds and Pirates to stay in the division race early. They lack an Ace to take them to 90 wins, but 85 victories is in reach. Playoffs are a stretch, but solid baseball is more than possible.

See ya out at the yard.

I Don't Know How to Use Hyperlinks in the Comment Section

Re: "I Don't Like Bud Selig" By Chuckie Oliver

While I certainly agree that Bud is a big enough douche to give any of these contestants a run for their money, I think it is unfair to blame him for the steroid era. People have been taking pills since before Bud Selig was roommates with this man at the University of Wisconsin-Madison sometime during Reconstruction (date approximate).  And even if he is to blame, the steroid era sort of saved baseball, so that can hardly be considered the worst thing he is responsible for. But the steroid issue is largely overcovered by media and the government, so we will let this potentially fiery debate simmer for the time being. Or at least until Captain Fantastic is properly equipped with a functional keyboard/computer.

Please don't let my defense of Bud Selig with regards to the steroids era allow you to think that I am somehow letting him off the hook. I mean let's be honest with this Fan Initiative website; there are probably more people visiting Just a Bit Outside than the Commisoner's new site. And our readership doesn't extend much further than our parents (Hello Mother Oliver!) and girlfriends (not real enough to say hi to). 

As you may know, I try to find the positive in any situation. And, if nothing else, this website  has the potential to cut, by 90%, the amount of times per game that Brian Anderson and Bill Schroeder reference the Miller Park Family Days, the Brewers Kids Club, the Harley-Davidson Double Play, and the 5 County Five Day Celebration. Now Brian can focus on being at his most smug at all times and Bill can think of new ways to bring up the fact that he was once a catcher for the Brewers and wasn't very good at it. You have to admit, it's a tantilizing dream world. 

Despite all of this, you're still a douche, Bud. Can you hear that?

I don't Like Bud Selig

Well, it’s been about a month JABers…thanks for your patience. Unfortunately, I do not possess the literary skills to compensate for my absence in one post. If it means anything, I will post on a more regular basis in the future. I’m pretty sure I’ve said that before though…

As we've established here on JABoutside, JSonline is a great source of Brewers news and fan folly. This post concerns a little from column A and a little from column B. JS’s Don Walker addressed Bud Selig’s new “Commissioner's Fan Initiative” in his blog today. The initiative, a collection of all ticket discounts offered by MLB clubs, has been implemented to help fans in these tough economic times.

Wow, Bud you’re so wise. You’re so considerate to the fans…always, always thinking about the little guy. I’m so glad you’re our fearless leader in such hard times. So what if you let ticket prices inflate like 'Lil Wayne’s ego. So what if your watchful eye missed that darn steroid era. And who cares if you threaten to contract teams…you’re showing us where to buy cheaper tickets!! Wait…these discounts already exist? You’re just putting them on your website? Oh—well --- that’s okay. At least you didn’t lie to Congress. You did?! Damnit Selig, where did you get this “Bud” name anyway?

Despite Bud’s douche-ness, the fact remains that discounted tickets are easier to find. Gone are the days when 15 year olds had to barter with FUBU clad scalpers just to watch Lou Collier strike out 3 times a game. Such is the price to pay for post-season baseball I suppose. (Sigh) At least the memories of Devon White and John Vander Wal came at a low price.

Chuckie

In Defense of Rickie Weeks

Anyone who regularly visits the Brewers Blog provided by the Milwauke Journal Sentinel knows that the blog is characterized by two traits:

1. The insane, impractical, and inexplicable tendency for everyone who reads the blog to try to be the first person to comment on any given blog. Rather than aspiring to be the first person to say something reasonable or insightful, they all prefer to write nothing more than "FIRST!".

AND

2. Any and every discussion about anything, even ticket prices at Miller Park, will somehow devolve into a completely absurd damnation of Rickie Weeks. Tom Haudricourt, the regular blogger, and the readers, who I can't believe are literate, look for any and every opportunity to take a shot at Weeks.  

You can imagine my delight when I saw a post today, written by Anthony Witrado, that actually portrayed Rickie Weeks in a positive light. I looked back into the annals of the Brewers Blog and discovered that nothing good has been said about Rickie Weeks since 2003 (okay, so maybe I didn't do any research and just made something up). Also, though the alternative message written was awful, I was not subjected to a "first!". Needless to say, this was one of the greatest moments of my life. 

Now I know you're sitting there asking yourself "But KP, you're being so complimentary. Where is your usual bitterness and vulgarity? I hope you haven't matured since your reconciliation with Michael Hunt.".  Fear not, there has been no posititive progress with my maturity, and you can be assured that I will resume my bitter ways in the near future. 

Well, it's the near future and here I am, ready to get excessively acerbic. Despite the fact that the statistics provided clearly indicate that Rickie Weeks is at least an adeqaute option at second base and maybe people should lay off of him, many readers of the Brewer Blog decided that they will still continue to irrationally hate Rickie Weeks. What follows below are some of the most noteworthy comments:

oh baseball. you can make any numbers say what you want them to say.

Are you fucking serious right now? You cannot make the numbers say anything at all, dickhead, that's the beauty of the numbers. They say EXACTLY what occurred and provide a great way to compare players. Statistics are not puppets, they are very straightforward. 

wheres avg... ha. plus the K's are crazy. but actually surprised to see the numbers. but you also have to remember the offense that is behind weeks. If you put roberts or hudson batting first in our lineup, they would be at about 350 runs.

If I had to guess, I would say that batting average is probably vacationing in Irrelevantville, along with RBI's, Ruben Studdard, Gallagher, Rafael Araujo, and Lew Ford. Seriously, what kind of person actually still looks at batting average? My theory is that the direct descendants of Henry Chadwick have formed a coalition in order to keep batting average relevant in daily baseball discussion despite it's obvious shortcomings. Even the Illuminati pale in comparison to the power, political clout, and prominence of the Chadwick Commonwealth. 

Can he even bunt?

Do I even care? I can't believe someone with such an antiquated notion of baseball even knows how to use a computer. This guy probably goes on NASCAR message boards writing things like "But can Jeff Gordon drive a horsedrawn carriage?"(Please note: I despise NASCAR and regret terribly having to reference it). 

I don't think you can really make an arguement without posting the defensive stats.

Just when I was losing complete faith in the ability of Brewers fans to be logical, coherent, and reasonable, this person comes along and actually makes a good point. Thank you, dear stranger, for restoring my faith in Brewmanity. Anyways, let's look at some defensive stats. I decided to only look at 2008 rather than his career totals as I feel they are the best indication of his abilities right now.  

Fielding Percentage: .975

League Fielding Percentage: .982

Range Factor: 4.91

League Range Factor: 4.04

Range Factor/9: 5.02

League Range Factor/9: 4.83

As you may be able to tell, Rickie Weeks is actually not that bad at defense. Yes he does make errors. His fielding percentage is below the league average. These are irrefutable points. But please, for once, be reasonable. His range is exceptional and he puts himself in position to make plays on a more consistent basis than almost any other second basemen.  Would you rather have someone at second base who can get to 9 out of 10 balls hit in his direction and throw one away or have someone who can only get to 7 out of 10 and throw none away? 

It's time for everyone to realize that, at worst, Rickie Weeks is a league average second basemen. And it's time for me to realize that the Chadwick Commonwealth is probably going to murder me in my sleep tonight. Thanks for the memories, guys. It's been great. 

Bold Predictions

As I was watching the postgame show of the Big Ten Basketball Tournament, Hubert Davis declared something to the effect of "Michigan State is the kind of team that could make it to the Final Four. But they could also lose in the first or second round". In the spirit of Hubert's bold analysis and risky claims, I am going to declare the following prediction about the Brewers:

The Brewers could win the World Series, or maybe be National League Champions, or possibly win the National League Division Series. They are also the kind of team that could win the wildcard, and they could possibly also win 34 games.

Showdown with Michael Hunt

If you explore world history in any meaningful fashion, you are probably already aware of the recurring importance of one day ever year, March 6th. Year after year, without fail, monumental and life-changing events occur on this very day.

For the skeptical readers out there who do not study world history, I provide the following list of major events which happened on the sixth of March: Mega Millions gives away their highest jackpot ever, $370 million(2007), Bubba Sparxxx is born (1977), the Second Annual Blockbuster Entertainment Awards (1996), Aravinda De Silva smashes 145 vs. Kenya in cricket World Cup (1996), the birth of Greg Ostertag (1973), the Yankees defeated the New York Mets 6-4 in an exhibition game which doubled as their first meeting in over four years (1989), Walter Cronkite ends his reign as anchor of CBS Evening news (1981), Larry Hisle becomes the first designated hitter ever in an exhibition against the Pittsburgh Pirates (1973), Shaquille O' Neal is born (1972), Treaty of Paris (1323), KP successfully eats an entire Papa Johns Pizza in under ten minutes (2008), Jack Nicklaus passes Arnold Palmer as golf's all-time money winner (1972), and of course, Mike Tyson TKO's Hector Mercedes in the very first round of his very first professional fight (1985). So it should come as very little surprise that March 6th was the date that the most historical moment in Just a Bit Outside history occurred; a Michael Hunt live chat featuring yours truly.

I've often thought about what I might say to Mr. Hunt if given the chance, and when the opportunity presented itself, I fought back any urges to swear or call him a dick and decided to go with:

Mr. Hunt, I don't know about you, but I'm pretty excited about the upcoming baseball season, and especially the Brewers. One thing that I have found as I have gotten older is that there is a greater emphasis on statistics in baseball than ever before. Alot of people cite statistics like OPS and VORP, but how accurately can they truly predict the success of an individual or a team? What statistics do you use when evaluating a baseball player/team and which ones could you do without? Thanks for taking the time to answer.

I'm amazed at the politeness too, you're not alone. Anyways, my reason for asking this question isn't because I care at all about what statistics Michael Hunt is interested in, because I can't think of anything that I care about less. Instead, I was hoping that this question might bait our beloved Michael Hunt into saying something totally absurd like "I think the only way you can evaluate a player is to just look at him, you can just tell", or "batting average", "whatever Steve Phillips says" or "RBIs". To his credit, Michael Hunt did not say anything outlandish and even provided a mostly coherent and logical answer:


Michael Hunt - Good morning everyone, and thanks for stopping by. Upfront I need to mention that I'm feeling a little under the weather, so if the answers are short I hope you understand. Anyway, we'll endeavor to persevere on such a beautiful day - I can look out the window and see just about all the snow in the yard has melted - and get to as many of your questions as we can. We'll start with KP because it's starting to feel like baseball weather. KP, as a baseball traditionalist I nevertheless enjoy the modern stats, especially OPS. It's a good way of measuring a hitter's overall effectiveness. But some, like VORP, just makes my head hurt worse than it does at the moment. For me, on-base percentage is still the best stat. If you're getting on base, you're not using up any of your outs. For pitchers, I always look at strikeouts to walks. As cliche as it sounds, you can't win without throwing strikes.

I appreciate Michael Hunt showing some basic knowledge of baseball statistics. In fact, I am so impressed with the fact that he at least has a fundamental sense of what to look for that I am not going to make fun of him for not understanding VORP. March 6th, 2009 is truly a day that shall go down in history, as A)Michael Hunt was coherent for an entire chat, B)I was given the opportunity to make fun of Michael Hunt and passed on it, and C)my level of appreciation for Michael Hunt is no longer a negative number. I look forward to our next encounter, Michael.

Lets Hope Hoffman Can Play Ping-Pong

You might be wondering why there have been so few posts as of late and the answer, for me, is that I am extremely lazy. However, I refuse to take responsibility for things when I should, so I am going to place the blame solely on the fact that nothing worthwhile has happened in Spring Training.

That is, of course, until today. The official first exciting moment of Spring Training occurred when Trevor Hoffman opted to throw a bullpen session instead of playing in an exhibition game. I'll give you a moment to let your head recover from the violent spinning motion which occurred upon receiving that news.

Of course, the exciting moment isn't so much Hoffman not pitching, but the reaction from Ken Macha:

“Those are the guys you want,” said Macha. “If you’re going to play ping-pong against somebody, you want them to say, ‘Game on.’ Or if you’re playing pinochle or pluck or whatever.

There are many things that separate me from Ken Macha. One of them is 52 years of living on earth. Another is believing that ping-pong passion and closing games are related. Personally, I don't give a shit if Trevor Hoffman is an intense ping-pong player, or if he puts in absolutely no effort when playing Stratego, or even if he totally mails it in when throwing horseshoes in the front lawn with his neighbors. As long as Hoffman commands his pitches, posts a low WHIP, and is able to save games, I will be more than satisfied.

EDIT(10:28PM): Just A Bit Outside has located file footage of the kind of intensity that Trevor Hoffman brings to the ping-pong battlefield.

So Many Questions, Absolutely No Answers

It's the very beginning of Spring Training, and full team workouts have not yet commenced. Naturally, this will be the time of the year when there are much more questions than answers. The beauty of this, however, is that newspapers hire reporters to enlighten us and provide some insight that we can't get anywhere else about our favorite team. At least that's the goal; more often than not, you just get some half-assed questions from a pretentious reporter who spouts off a bunch of jargon and creates more questions than they answer(ex: "Is God punishing me by making me read this?" or "I wonder if I too could write an entire column in five minutes and have it published in a newspaper?"). To prove this point, I present to you Exhibit A, a shockingly bad Brewers article by Tom Oates of the Wisconsin State Journal.

I know some of you readers, being the judgmental assholes you are, might want to unfairly judge Mr. Oates for this despicable piece of journalism. But as you may have figured out by now, I empathize with less-gifted writers and am not quick to attack them for their shortcomings. (Yes, I might be a saint. ) And because of this, I was able to discover the methods used by Tom Oates in composing his masterpiece. They explain everything quite wonderfully. Sometimes all you need to do is take a walk in someone else's shoes.

Step 1: Realize Google is available for things beyond looking up the number to local sub restaurants.
Step 2: Type in the words "Milwaukee. Brewers. People Talking About Them. Questions About Them. Sub. Sandwich."
Step 3: Fork in the road is presented, as Google asks "Did you mean: Milwaukee Brewers Discussion Board" AND "Did you mean: Sub Sandwiches". Oates accidentally clicks on a Brewers Discussion board.
Step 4: Oates looks up the first 8 subjects listed on the message board, decides against clicking on them to see what they actually say, and writes them down on an old Butterfinger wrapper that was on his desk.
Step 5: Uses Google to look up the phone number for a sub sandwich. Waits 45 minutes for it to arrive. In the meantime, he uses two pencils on the edge of his desk to pretend that he is Todd Sucherman (normal people do this as well, we just pretend to be John Bonham). The sub arrives and is eaten in 3 bites. Oates looks at the empty Butterfinger wrapper on his desk and remembers he has to write a newspaper article.
Step 6: Doesn't know what to say about any of the questions posed, looks up the names of some Milwaukee Brewers, makes up several others, and decides to speak vaguely and hope no one notices (you are probably familiar with this technique if you have been on a date and been asked about something like art history, Marxism, politics of African countries, pasteurization, or whether Mount Rushmore is in North or South Dakota).
Step 7: Writes his masterpiece.

As a further service, I will act as a liason between Mr. Oates and you, interpreting his vagueries into terms that you can understand. Without further ado, here are my interpretations of some of Tom Oates more confusing Q&A's:

Is Ken Macha the right man at the right time?

Tom Oates:Macha's no-nonsense, fundamental-based approach to managing might be the jolt the Brewers need to improve their undisciplined offense and shaky defense. On the other hand, Macha could lose the Brewers clubhouse like he lost the clubhouse in Oakland.

KP's interpretation: Who really knows? Maybe? Maybe not? It could be good, but it could also be bad. I don't want to say anything too bold here, as the Wisconsin State Journal is everyone's main source for Brewers news and I don't want to ruffle any feathers. Also, I just heard of Ken Macha.

Can Dale Sveum help more as hitting coach than he did as interim manager?

Tom Oates:The Brewers have power, but an inability to make consistent contact made them overly reliant on the long ball. They were 10th in the National League in on-base percentage, 12th in strikeouts and 13th in hitting with runners in scoring position. Sveum was popular with the players during his late-season stint as manager, so maybe they won't tune him out like they did Jim Skaalen.

KP's interpretation: I will avoid answering the actual question at hand, which is whether Dale Sveum will make a bigger impact as a hitting coach than as a manager. Instead, I will just talk about last year, make no real prediction about this year, and hope the fact that the players considered inviting Sveum to a 4th of July Barbecue Pool Party last year will somehow be relevant. Everyone knows that the only successful hitting coaches are popular. This is why Emilio Estevez was so good as a hitting coach in the late 80's.

Will Weeks ever live up to his potential?

Tom Oates: Though general manager Doug Melvin will cite statistics that say otherwise, Weeks has been the most disappointing of the young stars. He has obvious talent, but his hitting and defense remain subpar. If new bench coach Willie Randolph can get Weeks to reach his potential, he will be more than just a manager-in-waiting.

KP's interpretation: Fuck statistics. I have nothing original to say, but a lot of people seem to like to bash Rickie Weeks for things that aren't as important as they seem(like strikeouts), so I will just go with that.

Who's on third?

Tom Oates: In a perfect world, off-season Lasik surgery would correct Bill Hall's two-year slump and he would win the job. The Brewers would settle for a platoon of Hall and left-handed hitting Mike Lamb, though even that is in doubt after Hall injured his calf and likely will miss the start of the season.

KP's interpretation: Despite studies that show Lasik surgery doesn't have that great of an impact on baseball performance(if you're a subscriber to Bill James Online, I suggest you read their findings) , I'm going to talk about it as if it a cure-all. Also, I'm not going to answer the question. I'll just name two people who are listed as third basemen. Additionally, many knowledgeable fans probably want to know about Mat Gamel, so I will ignore him entirely.


Can five solid starters do the work of two dominant ones?
Tom Oates:Without Sheets and Sabathia, the Brewers have only two potential high-end starters and both are young. Yovani Gallardo, who was hurt last year, and Manny Parra, who ran out of gas, must come through because Dave Bush, Jeff Suppan and free-agent Braden Looper are pitch-to-contact guys and, if last year proved anything, it's that a pair of aces can go a long way.

KP's interpretation: I am still trying to comprehend the run-on-sentence in which Oates names all five of the projected starters. This makes me think, more than I did before, that Tom Oates was just trying to rush this article out as fast as possible. I'm not even going to bother interpreting this, because it literally says nothing.

Hopefully, with me as your guide, you too can someday be as empahatic and understanding of talentless hacks who put no time into their job like Tom Oates of the Wisconsin State Journal.

Happy Birthday? No Such Thing

Greetings,
First off, I would like to extend a hearty thank you to all those who sent their birthday wishes this weekend. The cards and money were graciously accepted, but that stripper “singing” along to Best of Both Worlds was a little much. Hannah Montana deserves better, even if I don’t.
I would also like to thank Doug Melvin for his belated birthday present. According to flip - flopping Star Magazine style blogs from Tom Haudricourt, Doug is drafting a contract with Brandon Looper’s stupid name on it. According to the blog, Looper’s price has plummeted since Christmas and justifiably so; he is 24-26 with a 4.52 ERA in 63 starts as a starting pitcher. Whatever. If he signs, he signs. I’ll root for him all the way. As Puddy would say, gotta support the team.

What’s the deal with Ben Sheets? Talk about depressing. No not, the fact that he somehow finagled a guaranteed major league contract only to have it guillotined away from him. I’m talking about the presumed end to his minority ownership of the Milwaukee Admirals. No, I have no idea what the Admirals record is right now. Nor do I know the majority owner of the Admirals, but I think it’s safe to assume Ben Sheets is the Bill Veeck (as in wreck) of the American Hockey Association. Only his brilliance could have envisioned the glory that was January 4, 2008. This epic evening featured the most intense rivalry in the AHL (Admirals vs. hated rival Chicago Wolves), an on-ice Goo Goo Dolls Concert, and an intricately decorated Rich Peverly bobblehead.

“It was the greatest concert music has ever produced” Milwaukee’s own Wudley Dilliams.

Consider this my thank you letter Ben. Even if your dedication and enthusiasm to the Admirals far out-shined your devotion to your baseball employer, you gave me the greatest bobblehead I own...even better than the one with your face on it.

Chuckie Oliver

p.s. Spring Training in 4 days = Baseball analysis soon. thanks for tuning in


UPDATE 1:21am 2/10/09 --- Since my previous post Mr. Looper has moved exponentially closer to joining the Brewers' starting rotation. Reading some of the rumored details of the deal, it appears as if we're only tied to Braden for 1 year = Awesome. I was totally against a Suppan-esque $40 million/4 year contract, but this beauty Melvin's got in the mix is wonderful. Rick Reilly is lame.

Crew-tube

For those of you as love-sick for Brewers nostalgia, I've scoured the internets for the great clips of the number one team in your hearts. Please pass along any other notable videos.

Mind boggling clash of baseball, awkward commercialization, blatant sexism, and adventures in narration.


Fucking Sweet Exposure


Salamon Torres Tribute


The Death of Adam Carolla's Career...and a minor recession in journalism


Marty Brennaman, a Wizard with Words


Gabe Gross' Present to Us All

Brewers on Deck, A Vision

This past week witnessed two reminders that Milwaukee is still in love with their Brewers. As most of our Brewers brethren are aware, the Brewers hosted their "Winter Warm-Up" last Friday at the Riverside Theater, and then invited fans back on Saturday for the "Brewers on Deck" gathering at the Midwest Airlines Center. According to Jabo's beloved Michael Hunt, 12,911 paid to experience the two day revival of Brewers fanaticism...a feat jaboutside.com matches daily but who's counting...It wasn't long ago that the Brewers were drawing 13,000 for games. Where have you gone John Vander Wal?

Unfortunately I was unable to make it back for the festivities, choosing to focus my energy on reaching "Pro" status in Wii boxing. (Watch out for the butch chick boxers, very low center of gravity). In the wake of Captain's poetic brilliance, and with the help of several Pizza Beers, I imagined my own Brewers On-Deck events emceed by Brooks Kieschnick (who is celebrating his 3rd Anniversary of Announcing his retirement on Feb. 15 by the way). They are as follows.

The Comedy Stylings of Doug Melvin: Is everyone from Canada funny? Dana Carvey, Mike Myers, Will Arnett, Doug Melvin. When he proposed the Brewers replace CC Sabathia with Mark Tauscher, I lost it. An absolute riot.

Cage Match - Prince Fielder vs. Manny Parra: I think everyone wants closure to that rumble. Of course, right when Manny is about to get pinned, Craig Counsell will jump from under the ring, and break it up only to start his own feud with Prince. Eat your heart out Vince McMahon.

Mike Cameron Interactive Instructional Presentation: What I learned from getting caught. Basically, kids can learn from Mike's mistakes for future pursuits of gold gloves and homers.


Corey Hart: Hot or Not?
I imagine this debate raging for hours, Dunder-Mifflin style.





Seth McClung Poetry Jam: Any poem, or Jabo haiku, will do really, but in my mind's eye I see him pontificating 'Lil Wayne lyrics to bongo beats.

Ryan Braun Interview Exhibit: How Long Can He Speak Without Saying Anything?...I love Brauny, I really do. When he first came up I found his style a little obnoxious (and I couldn't understand how girls found him attractive), but as we all know, he just wanted to win. Now, I find his ability to answer questions without providing any new information fascinating and prodigious. If we could also arrange a reading from the Torah that would be great.

Visitations from Recent Brewers History:
- Salomon Torres Inspirational Speaking
- Matt Wise Imitating Derrick Turnbow, while also playing T-Bow in a chess match
- Reuben Qveudo stretching and running in the outfield before pitching
- Ben Sheets giving book reports on The Boxcar Children series


Alright. Enough fun. Go watch last night's Real World, its what Chuck Klosterman would do.