And the Award Goes to: Michael Hunt

Most Sundays, I wake up bright and early around 4pm, browse through the news online, play several hours of Nintendo games that were created when I was 11, eat a box of Count Chocula, and call it a day around 8pm.

This Sunday something so unbelievable and amazing happened that I was compelled to break from my rituals and stay up well past 10pm. Michael Hunt wrote an article that was even more ludicrous, preposterous, uninformative, and awful than I thought even he was capable of. I decided to put down the Chocula and spend the day enjoying the article to its fullest.

Here is the abomination of an article.

For the entertainment of you, Harold Malcowicz of West Allis (our sole reader), I decided that an article this exceptional simply had to be given some sort of recognition. Rather than giving out a large, meaningless all-encompassing award, I think it is more appropriate to award Mr. Hunt for individual sections of the article which I feel embody his contribution to American society.

Without further ado, I present the first annual "KP Awards" ( I'm not as good at titling events as Captain Fantastic. Also, he is better at karaoke, ice fishing, and wearing sombreros.)

Award for the Strangest use of a Dr. Metaphor Besides Lil Wayne:"Paging Dr. Closer...."this Hoffman guy just might be the strongest relief available to the Milwaukee Brewers without a prescription."

When did Trevor Hoffman become a doctor? Has anyone ever called him a doctor in his life? I get the impression that Michael Hunt thinks that doctors and pharmacists perform the same function. I won't even get into the fact that Trevor Hoffman is likely not the "strongest relief available", but rather a pretty good value buy. Hoffman is more WalMartussin than Vicodin. I think I mean that as a compliment.

Award for Least Relevant Bit of Information to Appear in a Newspaper Since the Barbaro Obituary:
"The fact that Hoffman has done it on one kidney is of little relevance, he believes, because the bad one was removed when he was 6 weeks old."

I am glad this tidbit is so inconsequential it could not be left out of an article in which it serves no purpose. The more important piece of information which was, ironically, left out of the article reads as follows: "The fact that Michael Hunt had large sections of his brain removed shortly after being hired by the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel is of extreme relevance, all believe, because it helps explain: a) why his articles rarely offer any meaningful insight, and b) that his hairstyle is a marvel of modern science, masking his surgical scars from the public."




Award for Michael Hunt Blatantly Just Trying to Get Me Worked Up:
"Beyond the fact that he's got more saves than a tent revivalist working the midnight shift in south Alabama, Hoffman's suitability for this particular franchise at this particular time was made apparent Saturday morning inside a building made for hawking."

Why the need for such great specificity? Question: Is the midnight shift in south Alabama busier than the afternoon shift in northeasten Alabama? Answer: No one gives a shit.

Yes, Trevor Hoffman has alot of saves. But you know what's more impressive than comparing him to a religious fanatic? Discussing him in context with other closers. I don't care about if he has "more saves than Patrick Roy in the 1994 Game 5 against the Boston Bruins", or "closes quicker than Wilt Chamberlain on the set of Conan the Destroyer", or whatever other witticism Michael Hunt probably has stored away in his mind. I find it much more interesting to know that Trevor Hoffman has more saves than Mariano Rivera, Dennis Eckersley, Billy Wagner, Rollie Fingers, and Lee Smith. Because that actually means something. (Sort of. As much as saves mean anything, I guess.)

Nowhere in this article does Hunt do anything where he discusses any of the potential contributions that Trevor Hoffman might actually make to the Milwaukee Brewers this year. For that I suggest you refer to this well-written and researched article by The Hardball Times.